Ryan Gosling Knocked Eva Mendes Up By Accident

thisbitch

Well, I have to tip my hat to Eva Mendes. Not only did she land the most wanted dick in the world, Ryan Gosling, but when he seemed kind of over it, she pulled out the pregnancy card. Preach girl, you know how to play that shit!

New sources (probably Rachel McAdams) are saying that baby Gosling was actually conceived via goodbye fuck. Yes, that’s right, Ryan was done with Eva’s ass, but still decided to bareback it in her one last time and then BAM! Baby! Take notes, bitches, because this is how you keep a man like Ryan Gosling.

Insiders are now saying that all those rumours from several months ago saying that Eva and Ryan had split were totally true, but, like most long term relationships, they were still fucking during their transitioning to being broken up phase. Now, apparently celebs are just like us and don’t give a fuck about condoms, because during these transition fucks, Ryan put the world’s most beautiful baby into Eva’s womb.

So basically, Ryan was all like “Ugh, I’m over this shit” and then Eva was all:

surprisebitch

So Ryan was all like: Damn, those sensitive “Hey Gurl” memes about me are really popular. Bitches think I’m like boyfriend of the year, I can’t fuck up my fan base by leaving my baby mama.

And therefore, he was stuck.

However, a band-aid baby isn’t exactly fixing things, as apparently things are still pretty tense between Eva and Ryan because of his one true love, Rachel McAdams. The same source says:

Rachel is definitely a source of ongoing tension between Ryan and Eva.

I’m starting to think that all these celebrity “sources” are just me when I’m black out drunk, because “sources” tend to say all the shit that I wish was true. I mean, Ryan and Rachel 4ever, tru luv always, you know?

Fuck, the source probably is me…

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