Over the next few weeks, months, whenever we run out of ideas, hecklerspray will be looking closely at cars.
We are not talking about the kind of motors Jeremy Clarkson would remortgage his house to own. No, we mean crap cars. Runabouts from an age when central locking meant leaning over the passenger side door to let your mate in. We love these cars for their simplicity, their charm, but most of all their price. If a motor’s not cheaper to buy than a Dyson vacuum cleaner we’re not interested.
Come with us and delve retro lovers, it’s time to discover a rubbish car we love…
Ford Fiesta Mark 2
If there is a person alive in the UK, perhaps aged no younger than their mid-twenties, who hasn’t driven one of these little beauties we would be very surprised. The Ford Fiesta Mark 2, once upon a time everyone’s ubiquitous ‘first car’, is now a rarer sight than a free parking space in London. In other words, they’re practically extinct.
The original Mark 1 Fiesta hit the streets like a tin of rusty nails way back in 1976. Pitched for ladies and who couldn’t afford a Triumph Stag to do their shopping in, the plucky hatchback’s size, economy, and occasional appearance in episodes of The Professionals made it a big success for Ford.
In 1983 the first Mark 2’s arrived on the scene and promptly hung
around in dealer showrooms right up until 1989. Not too bad for a car
that’s essentially a lawnmower with a parcel shelf. This lawnmower
theme never made its presence felt more than when starting the engine
on a cold winter’s morning. We’d swear that some Mark 2’s were even
fitted with a Qualcast
pull-toggle where the ignition should be. You could hear one coming
from three miles away, wheezing through first and second like a
chronically asthmatic smoker.
We are perhaps not as interested in the Mark 2’s new state as its
second-hand incarnation. A few years down the line when an unserviced
Dr. Crippen of a car turns up on the post office notice board looking
like a good buy. You know the drill; you have just passed your test and
would drive a Stannah Starilift if they were road legal. A poorly resprayed Fiesta could be your very own Ferrari with some velour seat covers and a pair of Foster Grants resting on the dash.
But what was it was really like to own one of these puppies way back when? You’ve done the deal and handed over several months worth of shelf stacking money, what exactly did you get for all that hard-earned cash? Sex on synthetic alloy wheels, baby! And if you were really lucky a go-faster stripe thrown in for your trouble. A thin one though, more like a go-faster slash. The little Fiesta was nothing if not classy.
The Mark 2 was one of the first in a long line of ‘curvy cars’ that caught on in the mid-eighties, a look largely pioneered by Ford when most other manufacturers seemed to be basing their hatchbacks on pocket sized removal vans. Along with its Sierra style ‘smiley face’ front end, the Fiesta had two doors, a boot and somewhere to put the engine. That shiny blue badge didn’t half look good all buffed up on the bonnet too. It told everyone you drove a vehicle of calibre and quality – and that you knew Ford sold all the cheapest replacement parts in Halfords. That CD Walkman was not going to save up for itself after all.
Most young cats couldn’t afford the suped up XR2i model with its rev counter, comfy seats, and raspy 1.6 litre engine. Unless of course you ventured into knackered lemon territory and were dumb enough to drive without insurance. Even then you would have only had about a week to gloat before the cut n’ shut masterpiece snapped in half somewhere on the north circular.
The entry level Mark 2 had an interior was so sparse it made the heater feel like an optional extra. It did have a stereo though, and some cars even had after market cassette players fitted. This was an essential item for anybody still learning the art of pulling away from traffic lights without stalling. 808 State‘s Pacific (CDs) was your best bet; the bass was never so heavy it covered the sound of the bite point.
Image was not a word freely associated with second-hand Ford Fiestas. Unless you wanted to say "I’m poor", "I’m a new driver" or most deriding of all, "I’m a student". There were no real movie tie-ins to make the car cool either. You could drive a beaten-up old Renault 11 and know that Roger Moore‘s stunt double had done the same in A View to a Kill (DVDs), so it at least something to set it apart. About the Mark 2’s only appearance on film is in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai and the Fifth Dimension (DVDs). Never mind James Bond, that pedigree wouldn’t make you feel as special as James Nesbitt.
Such trifling issues didn’t mean a thing to the Mark 2 owner however. They enjoyed the car for what it was, basic travel at its most basic. Most of what went wrong could be fixed with a wrench or jackhammer, and everything else could be just ignored until the MOT. It needed no room to park, would fit several people in the back before the exhaust started clipping speed bumps, and it even had a tow ring slapped under the front bumper. Talk about thinking ahead, Ford.
The current Fiesta (now in its sixth generation) is a car more suited to surly librarians than the hot young drivers of tomorrow. The front-end smile has now been replaced by a sort of ‘kidnap victim with masking tape over their mouth’ expression. It’s horrible. Anyone with an ounce of individuality should buy an old Mark 2 and keep the rest of the money handy for repairs and some fancy extras like floor mats and a rack to keep all your compilation tapes in.
Try this nice little runner we found on eBay for a start.
It’s clean and tidy and apparently even drives in a straight line. Having the luxury XR2 decal signifies gravitas and jealousy among your naff Focus driving friends.
This 18-year-old model is also cunningly fitted with a bight orange boot release under the steering column (you’ll need to find it quickly) and we even spied an analogue clock next to the speedometer. Drive and tell the time? Just don’t let it all go to your head.
This XR2’s a seriously sexy disco lady, and with an opening bid of only £250.00, just how wrong can you go?
The Ford Fiesta Mark 2. A car for the Air Jordan generation. Word.
[story by Chris Laverty]
Pufflington says
Brilliant! When’s the next one coming? I did used to have a Fiesta, and you are just soooooo right! I’ve got a Citroen AX now; surely that deserves a spot in your column, doesn’t it? Hurrah for crap cars! (Otherwise known as retro classics.)
N says
Great stuff, I personally loved it when you could get out of the car while it was still in motion, the door swinging and all! – Not these days though, without alarms going off on the dash!! Looking forward to more mate.
N says
Great stuff, I personally loved it when you could get out of the car while it was still in motion, the door swinging and all! – Not these days though, without alarms going off on the dash!! Looking forward to more mate.
Face Man says
What about a follow up article – “The clothes you need to wear to drive one of these classic cars”?? Hurry up with the next instalment pal!