Suddenly we’re feeling a kinship towards Robert Pattinson.
Yes, in the past we may have been irritated by his hair and face and ubiquity and the way his American accent makes him twalk a bwit like a robot Christopher Walken – but now he’s said that he doesn’t understand the Twilight saga, we’re all “Hey Robert Pattinson, wanna shoot some hoops after school?”
Because we don’t get it either. We don’t understand why a story about an incredibly old man and a sullen child trying to out-sulk each other would prove so popular.
But we seem to have a better grasp on the actual story than Robert Pattinson, so maybe we can help each other out.
Right, Robert Pattinson, are you sitting comfortably? No, we don’t want to hear a song you wrote about us. Look, just be quiet.
Here’s the deal – we’ll give you the skinny on the Twilight saga if you stop saying stupid things on chat shows, okay? Just, please, the next time you’re on Ellen or Oprah and you feel the urge bubbling up within you to spout inane nonsense about vaginas, or about your hair, quell it, Robert Pattinson. Quell it for the greater good.
So, Robert Pattinson, what is it you don’t understand about the Twilight saga? If you, say, could find a quote of yourself revealing your confusion during a recent press conference for Eclipse, all the better:
“I just saw ‘Twilight’ on TV for the first time a few days ago,” Pattinson revealed during a press conference for ‘Eclipse’ this past weekend. […] “Now that I’ve seen it, [I realize] you do need to read the book to get it,” Pattinson said while laughing. “I was like, ‘What?!’ and I’m in it.”
Er. Well, that’s not much help at all, Robert Pattinson. That’s essentially just you watching something on TV that sounds vaguely familiar and, 90 or so minutes in, jumping up and shouting, “Hey! Is that me?”
But whatever. A deal’s a deal – let’s break the Twilight saga down for you:
Twilight
A sulky girl moves to a town named after a utensil and falls in love with a very old man with a skin condition who tries very hard not to treat her like a beverage.
New Moon
The very old man dumps the sulky girl who then starts hallucinating and makes friends with a pair of nipples. Then they all go to Italy to see the pope or something.
Eclipse
Nipples or very old man? Scowl or slouch? Monosyllables or long rambling monologues about nothing in particular? The sulky girl still can’t decide.
Breaking Dawn
The sulky girl falls pregnant with a foetus that eventually has to be bitten out of the womb. Understandably confused, the sulky girl gives the baby the world’s stupidest name. Not, alas, ‘Dawn’.
So now you’re all caught up, Robert Pattinson, you’re going to uphold your end of the bargain, right? You’re not going to say anything stupid on chat shows, right? Hello? Robert?
“[There’s] something about kneeling down – because I had to kneel down so much in the Twilight movies – it always looks really awkward. I’ve actually got quite long thighs and stuff so it doesn’t work.”
No, Robert Pattinson! We had a deal! How you could betray us like this? You’re dead to us now, Robert Pattinson. DEAD TO US.
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Thirteen says
This has just made my day (after Germans losing): “We don
Benny says
You protest so much about Robert and you are so informed about what he says that you must really care about him. Otherwise, why bother to write about him?
rosie says
I find his comments irritating too, he tries too hard. Oh! I’m so cool and disallusioned with all things I am part of!
Ginny says
You actually need to be older than thirteen to understand the Twilight Saga. It is a love story with a twist, you need to be able to read between the lines. Get it. Read the books, maybe you will understand it then. I agree with Rob, if I didn’t read the books the movies would s–k! If you read the books and fell in love with Edward then went to see the movie, you would fall in love with Rob. He is such an excellent actor that he brought Edward to life, even though when reading the books Edward looked different to me than Rob.
T-Rae says
You are exactly right. That is what I have been saying to people all along. I saw the TWILIGHT movie first, then I read the book, and I pretty much said the same thing Rob did…”WHAT?”. The books are so much better. I am a little upset that they are scaling down the movies to PG/PG-13 cause these books really are not for teenagers, so the rest of us who have read the books (5 times and counting) are getting jipped out of seeing these books adequately protrayed on film. These kids are great actors and I wish them all the best!
Joel says
Can you guys give me back the 3 minutes it took to read this crap.
Daniella says
Are you kidding? This poor guy is doing the opposite! He’s just speaking hs mind, whereas all super stars actually try too hard to sound cool. You’re pathetic.
Alyse says
Though a tiny bit harsh in the explaining the saga (which i found quite hilarious), This is an entirely true observation. First off, the movies really DO suck, and you need to read the books first, like the fellow readers are commenting. Secondly though, this is just another “Forbidden Love” story. Why not take something off of Shakespeare? It’s all the same, minus the flashy skin, and awful, clumsy, pathetic little girl. If you’re going to follow the Saga, don’t do it by movie. The books draw people in, and I have to say, they’re very good at it. Especially since they put the book in first-person. Of course, you do get more in-depth realizations by the stupid, stupid girl, but Stephenie Meyer is a very creative writer, and I enjoyed reading her stuff. But in another view, it’s just a love story version of Harry Potter. Mythological creatures, dangers, etc. etc. Of course its going to be a big hit. People like reading that stuff, myself included. Anyways, I don’t think it should be an earth-shattering series, but it’s worth reading. Watching the movies?
Not so much.
Kassandra says
I read the books before they even concidered making it a movie. I have to say that I did give it a chance, since I made it to book three, but I think it’s utter crap. Half the book is about a girl in a semi-abusive relationship and the rest of it is just unrealistic. Yes, I do know it’s fiction, but Edward Cullen is no vampire… He’s a faerie. (The only REAL vampire in the cullen family is Jasper I believe.. or was tha emmet? whoever was the civil war dude)
Luckily I never saw the movie, I figured it’d be soo much worse, since most movies are. I didn’t want my IQ to drop again.
Sande says
I totally agree. The movies suck and so do the books. I’ve had the misfortune to start reading the second book and all I can say is just that this Saga is just a bunch of pages filled with cheap literature: a really poor language and a story which really makes no point and it is absolutely a non-sense ! :D
Yeah, and I really laughed at this article x)
lolwhat says
You’re kidding, right?
‘The books are so much better’, okay, I’ll buy that. The books are better. Better than, say, being stricken with ebola. I think I’d rather read Twilight than have ebola. Better than, perhaps, having a root canal, although the pain of a root canal lasts only a few days, while the pain and shame of knowing you wasted at least several hours of your life reading SMeyer’s published wet dream will be with you for the rest of your life. Maybe I’ll even buy that the books are better than the movies, because at least in reading the books you can imagine your own renditions of the characters instead of Kristen ‘Slackjaw’ Stewart’s gaping maw of ambivalence.
Twilight is an abomination. It’s a joke at best, and a sick twisted excuse for a romantic story. It’s not romantic, it’s creepy. Stalking is creepy. A hundred-plus-year-old man lusting after a high schooler is creepy. An in-utero child consuming its mother from within is CREEPY, and the father LITERALLY EATING THE CHILD OUT OF THE WOMB…HOW CAN ANYONE THINK THIS IS ROMANTIC AND NOT, I DUNNO, CREEPY AS ALL GET-OUT?
Cat says
this is the funniest thing I’ve read, everyone lighten up! It’s supposed to be FUNNY!
ginny says
just curious – for all u twilight haters- what DO you consider good literature?
No one has ever claimed the saga was/is the great american novel so whats the problem?
Alot of people out there enjoy the books and the movies – so somebody must be doing something right.
And as far as hating on Robert Pattinson- thats going a bit far- HES AN ACTOR and if you dont want to see him on talk shows dont watch. trust me – he will be fine if you dont see him on Leno or Letterman.
Why waste your time telling everyone how much you hate the saga and the actors – no one really cares.
diane says
What did he say about vaginas? And where?
just me says
“gossip for grown ups”..yeah, really. jealousy haters..if you don’t get what it is about i can explain: it’s about eternal love, passion and loyalty,something you’re obviously not familiar with.
Valhalla says
Twilight is the biggest pile of crap in the history of the world
Aimee Neal says
Ahaha your pathetic , i admit it did make me laugh.
But I love rob , i’d die for him , and clearly you love him too , if you have nothing better to do than look up quotes from him , and watch or read the movie or book to find out what happens.
Ahah come back when you’ve grown some.