Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.
The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.
Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.
Poor ol’ Robbie says that he can’t remember the last time he had bad dreams. We’re not experts on the Rapid Eye Movement of celebrities but we’d hazard that his last bout of nightmares was what prompted him to believe he was Sammy Davis Jr. & release ‘Swing When You’re Winning’. Still, the snivelling little rodent believes he’s part of a different Rat Pack now, one being funnelled into a killing field by a “certain paramilitary group”.
He told some lobotomised hack;
“I had a dream the other night that a sectarian group was trying to kill me. I have not had a nightmare like that for a long time, forever really, but a certain paramilitary group came to kill me.”
A certain paramilitary group. Could have been any of them so hecklerspray?used our underground network of contacts to find out if any terrorist organisations were employing dream assassins. Yes, dream assassins. Haven’t you seen Inception? Of the sixteen worldwide paramilitary groups we contacted, fifteen asked us who Robbie Williams was while a representative of “The Real IRA” said;
“Fuck off, we have better things to do.”
Ayda Field’s husband (that’s Robbie, apparently) needed the reassuring sight of a relative to remind him that he was very much alive and still an incredibly rich man;
“I suddenly woke up and saw my brother-in-law Rich from Stoke-on-Trent at the bottom of my stairs at my home in LA and knew everything was all right.”
The paramilitary group responsible for this attack will have to step up its efforts if it wants to avoid another ‘Rudebox’ incident. Hang on a second, do the NME have a paramilitary wing? We’ll get them on the phone and get back to you*.
Williams has admitted to spells of paranoia in the past and spent a summer holed up in his Los Angeles mansion, before emerging disguised in a gorilla suit and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Suggestions that this may have been due to an over-indulgence in a certain white powder were refuted, despite obviously being true**.
*NME’s lawyers would like us to point out that they are not in the habit of forming paramilitary wings in order to assassinate celebrities who are stealing column inches from The Kaiser Chiefs. Protesting too much?
**Legal Note: Robbie Williams has never even seen cocaine, let alone snorted loads of it to make himself feel like Dean Martin.
LeFarts says
Damn………………i was hoping you guys got one right for once WTF !!!