Is everyone in Dallas a massive racist? They like the confederate flag over there, so they must be! Did they have lynchings as well? We’ve no idea. We don’t really like America. It’s a silly country with large portions and impossible dental work.
We’re talking about the foibles of Dallas because we’re trying to work out why Rihanna would want to kill everyone there.
See, while she was playing a show in Texas, she set the stage on fire, leaving stupid hacks to ponder if Rihanna’s appearance and performance was so ‘hot’, that it actually combusted. However, it is clear that this was attempted mass-murder and it is only a matter of time before America’s famous police force, with their non-bias toward any race, get involved.
Apparently, during the show, sparks sizzled and flew while the crammed-in audience at the delightfully named American Airlines Center, were nearly set ablaze while Rihanna sneaked out of the stage door, laughing to herself.
However, RiRi’s dastardly plan was foiled as no injuries were reported.
Unhappy with the singer’s contempt for her own audience, Rihanna’s crew quickly put the potentially lethal inferno out, holding down the flames ’til Dallas firefighters arrived to do a proper job of it.
This attempted killing spree, possibly influenced by her ‘Man Down’ video where she guns a rapist down, was the climax of a particularly bad night for all concerned as the Rude Boy singer was an hour late to kick off her show. It seems she wanted to get them angry before roasting them all like battery hens.
Of course, as roast chicken is so delicious and Americans are so famously greedy, it could have been the first instance in history where toasted corpses were actually picking at their own cadavers and serving limbs up to each other with gravy.
Rihanna passed the whole thing off on twitter, saying:
“DALLAS!!! We set the stage on FYAH tonight!!! LITERALLY!!! I’m so pissed, I was having so much fun wit yall too!!! I gotta come back man!!”
She gotta go back? To finish her dreadful, blood-hungry deed no doubt. Texans – you’ve been warned.