Richard Hammond, by all accounts, is the luckiest man alive. Perhaps it was karma repaying him for being so short and hosting Crufts once, but he really shouldn't have survived his horrific 288mph crash a year ago.
Now, after making an odds-defyingly complete recovery from his near-death car crash, each new day is a gift to Richard Hammond; the pure-hearted joy that Richard Hammond now gets from simple things like sunsets and raindrops and the innocent sparkle in a child's eye means that Hammond no longer needs to endanger his life by constantly endangering his life by driving at ridiculous spee… what's that? Richard Hammond has been in another car crash? A 100mph car crash? During an endurance race for Top Gear? What kind of sick god makes Richard Hammond crash twice in a year but leaves Jeremy Clarkson unscathed, that's what we want to know.
When most people want the Sugababes to give them a special individual performance, chances are they either a) offer them lots of money or b) shave their head and pretend they've got cancer. But neither of those are good enough for dwarfish Top Gear Richard Hammond, who last year crashed a jet-powered car into a field on his head at 288mph and almost died. But, hey, it worked – during his five-week, Lego-assisted recovery from his near-fatal brain injuries, the Sugababes asked to perform for Richard Hammond.
And now we can only assume that Richard Hammond must've wanted a special bedside performance from Girls Aloud, because the idiot's only gone and crashed his car again. Richard Hammond – affectionately nicknamed Hamster due to his freakish ability to weep yellow discharge from his eyes when ill – was participating in an endurance race with his fellow Top Gear presenters recently when, surprise surprise, a car hit him and he crashed at 100mph like Ms Dynamite. Hello reports:
Richard narrowly escaped injury when his BMW 330 Dti Sport car skidded off the track and collided with a barrier. He had been racing round Silverstone at speeds of over 100mph as part of a 24-hour, Le Mans-style relay competition… Richard crashed just before midnight, seven and a half hours into the marathon race and one hour into his spell as driver. While the car needed repairs, the 38-year-old father-of-two emerged unharmed. After being comforted by fellow presenter Jeremy he waited for the car to come back from the pits then got behind the wheel and rejoined the race.
Richard Hammond was comforted by Jeremy Clarkson? Dear lord, hasn't the poor man suffered enough? But, yeah, thanks a lot for that last sentence, Hello – we're going to hold you personally responsible for all the screaming night terrors we're bound to be saddled with for the rest of our lives after summoning up that grotesque mental image.
Anyway, while we're obviously pleased that Richard Hammond managed to emerge unscathed from his crash, the news of his latest accident did make out heart sink a little. For one it means that we're going to have to sit through yet another Top Gear special consisting of Richard Hammond giving a second-by-second account of his crash while slow-motion footage of it plays on a loop in the background – but also, doesn't anyone else think that Richard Hammond should just give up driving cars? Because there'll be other crashes, and we really aren't really looking forward to they year 2047 when we'll have to write about 77-year-old Richard Hammond chipping his hipbone by taking his DMA Strider Maxi 4 pensioner mobility buggy off a kerb at 7mph.
Read more:
Richard Emerges Unscathed From Second High-Speed Crash – Hello Magazine
Martin says
Meh – as far as heckling goes, this was only moderately sucessful and not all that funny. I’m not even sure if it’s Hammond or the media overhyping his crash that you’re heckling.