Guns and Hollywood are a match made in heaven. It's that match what made it possible for a bullet to bounce off Superman's eyeball, it's that match what made it possible for Keanu to scoot under flying ammo like a Jamaican limbo-wizard, and it's that match what allowed a fledgling CGI industry to draw the last half of some Brandon Lee movie.
And the love between guns and the famous isn't likely to end soon – not if Renée Zellweger has anything to say about it. Get this – she wants to get a gun to shoot her stupid fans. In her defence, those fans do have it coming – it's them that keep making her get all fat for Bridget Jones.
And a woman's weight is a sensitive thing don'tcha know.
In some hood, somewhere, right now, Renée Zellweger is getting shoulder bumps and fisties galore. Her name placard has been bumped up a few slots on some gang-related organisational power-flow chart, and the same cops that keep arresting Snoop Dogg are studying a picture of Zellweger very closely – because the actress wants her a nine iron. Wait – does nine iron mean gun? Because that's what we were trying to imply – she wants a bullet-spitting nine iron with chutzpah!
That's right, Zelly wants to feel the cold steel of pig skin under her trigger finger and… hold on… pig skin means gun too, right? Of course it does. And that's exactly why Zellweger probably wants to sleep with a pearl-handled pig skin lumping up the bottom-side of her decorative Afghan pillow that she sleeps on even though it's pretty unconventional because the pillow's just supposed to be decorative like we said already.
Yes, apostrophe-laden Renee would like nothing more than to have her own personal Wonder Boy tucked firmly into the elastic of her gigantically large blue basketball shorts… just a sec… Wonder Boy is the name of the gun Robert Redford carved out of a lightning-struck tree in that The Natural movie, right? Well whatever Zellweger wants to call her bullet-holding pool stick, she wants one – see, she even kind of implies it in a bit of an anti-NRA way:
"I don't want to own a gun, but sometimes I do think about it."
Now just hold on a minute! We know you're all a little disappointed in her hesitance and the way we may have lead you astray, but it could be strongly argued the girl's got a real necessity for such a life-stripping weapon, because she also said:
"People usually mean no harm, but it's scary if there is a car idling outside your house in the middle of the woods at four in the morning. You realise you can't live there any more. It's sad, but that's how it works. It's no big deal. It's just a job hazard… It can be pretty scary sometimes when that letter is slipped under your door at your house. And it happens. I get those letters a lot and it's just a little scary."
And habitual letter writers usually deserve to be shot. Can anyone argue with that? Do you have thoughts on the matter? Leave a comment below in letter form, then run like the devil because we might shoot you.
Read More:
Renee Zellweger Says Being Home Alone Is "Scary" Sometimes – All Headline News
Teemi says
Christ, if she wants to shoot people who like her, just think what she’ll do to people who think that fucking Mrs Tiggywinkle film she’s in looks like shit. It does look like shit
elizabeth says
I believe you mean pig iron, pigskin is a football