This Christmas will forever be forgotten as the one that was filled with celebrities proposing to each other. Natalie Portman, LeAnn Rimes, Hugh Hefner and Lily Allen have all announced their intentions to get wed, which is obviously cripplingly sweet and pleasant.
Not that this will stop us from berating them all in some way. Apart from Natalie Portman because she’s just lovely. The git.
And now, adding her name to the list of Talks About Nothing Other Than Stupid Wedding Dresses is Hollywood thesp Reese Witherspoon who is sometimes very beautiful, other times, akin to something dug up from the soil of a pensioner’s allotment.
It is obvious that the whole notion of marriage is stupid. The whole process is designed to give faux-security to those who are giving up on life or, indeed, giving in to the notion that they must contractually oblige someone to love them for the rest of their lives before they notice just how rapidly their looks and zest for life are fading.
Via the medium of ‘I love you darling – let us tell the world because our love has grown too large to keep to ourselves’, people who get married are essentially keeping their partner in desperate bondage, chained emotionally to their glorified fuck-buddy with photographs of themselves holding their guts in while they cut cake and memories of awkward first dances.
Naturally, a married couple won’t ever acknowledge this. They will no doubt think that their wedding day was different. It was more laid-back… a bit different from the norm… everyone had a good time didn’t they? No. Because people never have the heart to tell newlyweds just how crashingly boring their relationship is and that all weddings are exactly the same, designed to rob you of your valuable free time by making you stand in a room with a shit-eating grin slapped all over your face while you listen to gaspingly dull speeches and anecdotes concerning That One Time The Groom Got Drunk.
Of course, Reece Witherspoon is no different. She’s already showing off her engagement ring which apparently has 4 whole carats.
Her fianc?, Jim Toth, worked with Hollywood jeweller William Goldberg to create the gem which, should you be at all interested, is an Ashoka diamond set on a pave diamond and platinum band. Okay? Brilliant.
According to William Goldberg, Ashoka stones are extremely rare and less than 10 per cent of raw Ashoka diamonds can be cut like Reese’s engagement ring was.
This ring will invariably be referred to as ‘rare and unique… just like our love for each other Reece’. Soppy twats lap that rubbish up like thirsty cats in a car park filled with rain water.
Anyway, there you have it. Someone you’ve never met is getting married and wearing a ring that you’ll never be able to afford. All we can sincerely hope for is that this ends up in infidelity, court battles and rants on twitter which are later retracted or taken out of context by us.
We are available for marriage guidance.
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John says
All that needed was Ewan McGregor narrating and the soundtrack from ‘Trainspotting’ going in the background. Otherwise, it was spot on.
Skeletor says
Ew. This person is a horrible writer with horrible opinions. Someone cant find a gf or bf because they are probably too much of a bastard to have anyone be with them. So they just blast others. How the hell did they get a journalism job?
Tiff says
Brilliant! So friggin true. Hugh Hefner marrying yet again proves the absurdity of ‘marriage’.
ryan says
bravo, great writing
Tom Hoffman says
This reporter is certainly rough around the edges…but at the same time, there is a lot of truth to some of what he says.
The nuclear family and moral fabric of this country is decaying. Divorce and separation are on the rise because too many selfish people are looking for the bigger better deal. Only to find that what they are looking for is essentially what they already had with their first mate. And so the old saying, “the grass isn’t always greener” prevails just about every time.
Divorce rates in Hollywood are much worse due to the “ego-identity” these celebs give themselves (and that we give them) that cannot ever be satiated. Like trying to fill a void or fill a black hole.
Pinky Dresdner says
Celebrity marriages are obvious jokes and they know it.
Since these hitches does not last, so why the elaborate deception?
I give this Reese so called marriage less than 3 years to explode and fizzle.
They are neither serious nor honest. I will rather consider them as whores
instead of legitimate husband and wife. Constant pursuit of greener pastures
is definitely a mental health issues that demands serious psychiatric intervention.
Definitely not another a hook-up that is destined to fall in a very short time.
Sha says
Wow. This it the most bitter piece of trash I have ever written. Are you truly trying to be a writer? I feel sorry for you.
I also feel happy for whomever the man or woman is that apparently wronged you in the past – they’re much better off without your sorry, bitter self.
If you think this topic is so stupid, why not write about something important to our country?
Drug says
I like your toungue in cheek. Most people don’t. They are quick to judge. Famous people do fall in love but it is in the context of “fame and it’s pursuit” and so their relationships are many times just as much a publicity stunt.
mike says
Mental health issues are also betrayed by the inability to create cohesive thoughts when writing.
Shanna says
OUCH! That’s a bit rough on marriage and celebrities. While I agree that many people go about the whole thing for the wrong reasons, there are so many others who are in love and want to share all the highs AND lows with their best friend / partner. And celebrities deserve to have a chance at a normal life, or whatever they can scrape together after the tabloids rip them apart. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be to have your personal life totally scrutinized by a very critical world.
nope says
The reporter is so blinded by his/her bitterness, they couldn’t even spell Reese’s name correctly:
Of course, Reece Witherspoon is no different. She
Dread Fred says
Ok the bets are on…how long do you think this one will last? Sure Reese is a nice person however these celebs get there hearts broken all the time……let’s give it maybe a year, K
Bob Evans says
Celebrity marriages are usually a joke. Many non-celebrity marriages are as well. But there are plenty of exceptions to your misguided ranting. This rant started off directed at celebrities then it turned into a commentary on marriage in general. What’s the problem? Not getting laid?
My wedding was a blast and everyone there had a great time. I still get people coming up to me saying “your wedding was the best one i’ve ever been to.” Because we made it unique and reflected ourselves in it.
I got married because i found someone i want to create a family with and spend the rest of my life with. It is security to an extent, sure. But when i die i want a support system that will continue. It’s not selfish. As humans we are entitled to carry on our family name into future generations to leave a legacy that we can be proud of. If you don’t want to do that, so be it. Let me guess, you want to die with the smallest amount of friends and family who care about you so that you don’t feel any guilt? Stop worrying about who the fuck wants to get married. I don’t even know how i found this dumb article. But for some reason i read it and felt compelled to reply.
Your ideas are ponderous
min42 says
Not everyone fits into this writer’s idea of marriage….and celebrities aren’t the only ones who love the idea and the “performance” that goes along with this writer’s notion of marriage…..I have seen “non celebreties” also go through this same process or idea of taking something as sacraed as marriage and treating it as a joke….flaunting how much they spent on this or that and how many people got invited, and who got them great gifts and where they got married and so on and so on….BUT, there are still those of us like myself who feel very lucky to have found THAT special someone who is willing to go through this process of marriage because I always assumed that most grooms ( as my husband did ) knew the wedding is mostly about the bride and WHY NOT? I mean I haven’t seen too many men getting involved in the wedding process except maybe incases where finances are needed to pay for parts or maybe even the entire wedding or maybe some decoration……..Also this comment,”people who get married are essentially keeping their partner in desperate bondage, chained emotionally to their glorified fuck-buddy with photographs of themselves holding their guts in while they cut cake and memories of awkward first dances.” Just so you know, EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS A SHOW!…..LOL….WAKE UP! From Having certain Holidays like Christmas which forces you to spend money and time with peole you may not care for and Thanksgiving, and Babyshowers…and the list goes on and on…….and usually these kind of “SHOWS” OF COURSE TEND TO COST A BUNDLE….BUT WHO CARES!……….and FYI It was NEVER stated anywhere that being or getting married is a sure gauranteed way for others not to cheat and to not be able to do what they want……. Also, does this mean that if people are not committed in some way that they SHOULD be okay to do whatever they want especially if it may have a negative impact on their relationship?
Paul says
Chill brother…just chill and try hard to be happy for them.
luckysays says
The ‘author’ of this article has a very skewed perception of marriage. The rush of engagements has obviously upset him in a way that he has to lash out against those who are in a state of bliss. Whether it stays that way or it changes, who knows but the feeling of being elated is what they are celebrating, not the institution of marriage. Marriage is hard and a lot of work but in today’s society of ‘easy’ people often do not want to do the hard work. And in several cases it is a cheater that breaks the marriage apart, which leaves the other party to clean up the mess. So before you tear down the institution of marriage as a whole, let them enjoy this time of happiness. May it last for their lifetime but in case it doesn’t, don’t tread on their pain. Let them suffer without further ridiculing their choices. Happy New Year!
kim says
Gees, bitter much? Sounds like someone is always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Bummer for you.
D.S. Sallier says
Silly people, this isn’t journalism, it’s bloggerism. Blogs admittedly don’t want actual writers.
Jaye says
I think Mof needs a hug…
Rick R. says
Mof? Really? What kind of name is that? Sounds like your parents weren’t in love either. Marriage is def not for everyone, especially a cynical P. O. S. as yourself.
Please stop spreading all the negativity, you might actually cheer up for once in your miserable, lonely existence.
zen says
Very vitriolic writer with rancid perspective on life. Let me know how that shakes out for you, sick mustard. The diamond ring thing is a bit much. People who spend 50 quid to get married are just as married as those who spend a million. Help other people with the rest.
stephanie says
Bitter much?
T-Cake says
I can’t say one way or another about celebrities or their relationships, since I’m ignorant of such matters, but the writer’s dead-on about boring weddings. The only people weddings are really special for are the bride, groom, and maybe their parents. Everybody else is probably cursing the fact that they have to miss a round of golf or enjoy a weekend. Unless, of course, there happens to be an open bar.
Cookie Monster says
For some reason I see 24 comments next to the post title on the main page. When I do the jump, it changes to 5 comments. This happens often… a space oddity, t’is.
As a married muppet, I have no comment on the accuracy of the suggestions in this post. No comment whatsoever. None. Narry a word. Not a peep. I am silent. Shush, I said to me, and shushed I am. Shhhh.