Blake and Ry swapped some secret vows a couple of weeks ago and the media’s all aflutter. Ooh private ceremony! Ooh Florence Welch sang at the reception! Ooh ooh ooh! Maybe I’m alone in thinking this, but is this not the weirdest couple? Something just doesn’t sit right with me and the idea that these two are now married. Alas, I am but an innocent bystander and know nothing of their love. Sigh. Yawn.
I got to thinking, why would these two decide to tie the knot, after only about a year of dating? Is there more to this affair than meets the eye? We’ve all got questions and I have the answers.
1. To make the general public scratch their heads and say, “Wait, since when were they romantically involved?” Seriously, when did these two make it facebook official? Or whatever the Hollywood version of fbo is? Furthermore, is the ink even dry on RyRey’s divorce with ScarJo? How long ago was that? Two years? What is time?
2. So they can have giant children with bodies that could span the entire continental U.S. You see, Blake loves to rub it in everyone’s face that, yes, her legs alone meet the minimum height requirement to ride large roller-coasters. And Ryan stands at a strapping 6’2, so their babies are for sure going to be a bunch of Stretch Armstrongs. I suppose they think it’s important that someone be there to carry on their LEGacy. Ba-dum-ch!
3. Speaking of kids, it’s great that they will be able to show their grandchildren a little home movie that they made together called Green Lantern. Look little ones, this is what a shitty movie looks like! Grandma and grandpa met on the set of this film! Your grandpa even asked grandma to marry him by giving her a perfect replica of a power ring! (Just kidding, that’s how I like to think it happened, though).
4. To remind everyone that they exist. There is no better way to ensure that the entire world will find out about your nuptials than to have a super hush-hush ceremony in some remote place like Charleston, South Carolina. Oh yeah, I remember these guys! Wonder what they’re up to now? Well, Blake’s filming the last (thank you god) season of Gossip Girl and Ryan’s got a new action flick, R.I.P.D., coming out soon. When you’re a celebrity, timing is everything…even for love. How romantic.
5. To confuse stupid people who think that Ryan Reynolds is Ryan Gosling. Throngs of young girls were outraged upon finding out that their beloved Ryan Gosling had gone and gotten himself married off. It really didn’t help matters that the two lovebirds had their ceremony at the house where The Notebook was filmed. Ugh. But rest easy, ladies, you’re mistaken. And should probably learn how to read. There’s no sense in getting your panties in a bunch over something that hasn’t happened…yet. But let us not think of that right now.