Last week, hecklerspray found itself in front of the box at an unearthly hour. What unfolded was the most incredible piece of television ever mong-casted. The slice of history was named Quizmania.
For some inexplicable reason, the twits that run our idiot boxes are intent on keeping the treasure that is Quizmania buried. As you lot were probably all tucked up in your beds,we’ll let you in on the secret. The format of Quizmania is simple. Like Family Fortunes, contestants have to guess the answers that are located on a leader board. The crucial difference is that you ring in to some completely baffling hosts…
The first Quizmania presenter up was alleged eye-candy Debbie King. According to the Quizmania website:
Not just a pretty face the delectable Debbie has a
BA Honours Degree in History. A typical Gemini, Debbie is fun loving
and will try anything. Her favourite colour is Pink and her lucky
number is 1. Debbie has previously starred on 9 Live for E4 and Bowling
for Bucks amongst many other assignments.
But what we saw was something different. We saw a woman desperately trying to fill time while enough idiots at home made premium rate phone calls to Quizmania over and over until they’d physically be unable to ever win back as much money as they spent. Genius.
Next up was a man so inextricably loathsome we couldn’t help but
feel that he was on either cocaine or day release. His name was Chuck,
and by crikey, he was wacky. Now, for some unknown reason, Chuck isn’t even on Quizmania‘s
official web site. In fact, he probably has his own website he’s so… well,
odd.
It is usual for a presenter to have a few skills when on camera. A
degree of charisma, reasonable looks and the ability to talk properly.
Now, this is where the revolution begins. The revolution is being
televised… right now. You see, Chuck has none of these qualities.
Firstly, and most importantly, he can’t speak. He has a slight stammer
and a speech defect. Chuck can’t pronounce his R’s. Not like Jonathan
Ross in a mildly irritating/charming way – more a case of… you can’t
actually tell what he’s saying.
Care in the community, LIVE on your
stupid box! Ever the kicker of convention, Chuck goes into surreal
tirades against ex-girlfriends, stalkers, asks all the lady callers if
they are "hot", and doesn’t bat an eye when stumbling through the names
of "Woy Walker" and "Michael Bawwymore"… not to mention his TV wife… a
stick with a cut out of Mo-gan Fweeman‘s head on it. Yes – Chuck is part
Dadaist, and part ‘equal opportunities quota’. The man is a bona fide
edge-cutter, and if the Almighty is listening, Chuck will soon have his
own Bweakfast Show on Wadio Thwee.
Of course, you would assume that this was some kind of fluke. A rare moment of clarity in a haze of sleep deprivation.
Well, how wrong could you be? hecklerspray stayed up
another night to catch the breathtaking wonder of Quizmania.
Unfortunately, this airing had no Chuck, who had alluded to being
producer in the previous show, but still had the ‘delectable’ Debbie –
this time in a golden tinkerbell outfit. Confused? No way, you just
can’t keep up with the breakneck development! In fact, breakneck is apt
on many, many levels. The speed and relentless nature of the hosts is,
to be frank, stunning and horrifying at the same time.
The amount of
information, or – at least – guff, that hits you during Quizmania is phenomenal, thus
leaving you in a bizarre trance-like state which compels you to pick up
the phone and say "Tom O’Connor," and – as a result – makes you wet with
anticipation at the chance of getting through, and worse still hot at
the thought of your next phone bill. Brilliant. Back to the fabulous
hosts.
This time she was joined by the affable, if slightly dull Nigel
Mitchell (who we swear we’ve seen pimping himself on kid’s TV) the format
differed slightly inasmuch that you had to put a name to a picture on
screen. Easy? Not for the special insomniac people ringing in.
For example, the mighty Shaun from Taunton was faced with a £500 cash
prize to name the "star of Father Ted and My Hero." Nothing. "C’mon
Paul," encouraged Nigel, "He’s a well known Irish comic…" But Paul could only
offer up "Jim Davidson". Imagine the ignominy of hearing the incorrect buzzer, a swift goodbye, and the sound of the phone being slammed down on you – all live on air. Excelsis. Aside
from this, add a batch of new ‘all walking and talking’ cameramen, and
you are in for four hours of pure delight.
You need convincing on this one, don’t you.
The very fact this spew-gramme exists is enough
to give you hope that anything is possible. All you need is the will
to blindly tread where no man has stooped before. In a world where your
dreams are shat on daily, Quizmania puts a loving arm around you, and
tells you everything is great – over and over and over again. Equal
parts love, desperation and ‘wacky’ fun.
In a world where you are faced
with George ‘can’t be reached by his constituents’ Galloway and Michael ‘star
of Bob Martin’ Barrymore sharing a flat; a world full of Jimmy
Carrs and Justin Lee Collins‘ (possibly the two most hateful men on
TV), Quizmania is THE place where you can win, be baffled, amazed, and ultimately
think "I could do that!"
And you could. Easily. If there was any
justice in this world, Chuck from Quizmania (and his Morgan Freeman
on-a-stick) would be the host and contestant(s) on all of these
programmes, and he would have carte blanche to have a perfect nervous
breakdown, live on every TV station, at the same time.
Quizmania is on ITV most nights at about 1am, probably until the end of pissing time.
Read more:
[story by Mof Gimmers]
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JUNE BURGESS says
Hi just read above what u said about quizmania,im one of those idiots that has tried to phone into it and never got through.over two nites i made 1,500 calls and not once got through ended up with a phone bill of £1,400 Alone 4 these calls.Isurely can not be the only one this has happened to,and not even had a chance to get through to show.
Darren says
I must say I’m a huge Debbie king fan, she really is fine. i cant really sympathise with you june because 1500 calls is pretty dumb
paul says
i think u should stop messing ppl about and answer the phone it really does take the piss how many times i have rung and not even been put on hold.worst thing is i know the answer. its a fuckin joke
Ian says
Has anyone actually ever got through.
Basically when i first saw it on TV i phoned in about 20-50 times, basically £35-40.
Now i use free web entry, but i still haven’t ever got through yet to the studio.
June save yourself some cash and play online!!
http://tv.evopay.com/quizmania/web/
Dodge says
How stupid are you people? You deserve 1400 quid phone bills, dont you ever learn, i mean c’mon YOU GET CHARGED IF YOU DON’T EVEN GET THROUGH !!
I’l say it again in the hope you may somehow comprehend. YOU GET CHARGED IF YOU DON’T EVEN GET THROUGH !!
I actually wondered who this shite was aimed at, now I know. Thick People. Still, it gives you something to look forward to after cashing your gyro and buying your beer and tabs.
If it weren’t for idiots like you calling in, they’d take this shit off telly and I wouldnt have to watch news 24 or fucking american football when i cant sleep.
Shaun says
That Chuck guy really struggles to do the presenting job & thats probably why he comes across as wierd, or more likely he just crap & wierd as well.
Over the past week they’ve started to ramp up the prize money with bonuses etc. Quizmania started in December & I reckon some of the people who used to call have now received their phone bills.
As for ‘Flash’ & ‘Sky’ the cameramen who keep shoving their ugly faces in front of the camera – they’re just grubby egotists who look like they need a good wash. What are there real names? Gerald & Norbert? but then if they used there real names the dole would catch up with them.
jon says
lol, spent the £5 i got free on my new sim card, kinda feel betrayed, but made up that it isnt 1400 quid, how the f*ck do u waste 1400 quid in one night, all i can say is ouch!
bt must be made up with you, and QM
steveo says
totally crap program but worth watching for debbie king she is a honey! she does a good job of keeping things going when theres some pissed up tosser on the line, and i’m sure she going to fall out of one of her skimpy tops one night.
krystle says
well i won on quizmania i won £100 for saying the word snow ball i have got through lots of times and i had no phone bill cos i did it over the internet!!!
alison says
quizmania rules!
ignore the rest of those idiots!!
lee baldry, nigel and chuck, ur all well fit!!!
keep up the gd work!
James says
First of all that article was absolute shit. The person who wrote it obviously doesn’t have a clue.
You are encouraged to set yourself a call limit and are even told it’s 60 pence a call whether you get selected or not! So if you ignore that,it’s your OWN fault! And what was that you were saying about trying to fill time? Duh! Of course they are, I’d like to see how you cope working on there waiting for a caller!
In the future please don’t write anymore sad articles until you have something decent to say.
Kayleigh says
quote: This time she was joined by the affable, if slightly dull Nigel Mitchell (who we swear we’ve seen pimping himself on kid’s TV) the format differed slightly inasmuch that you had to put a name to a picture on screen. Easy? Not for the special insomniac people ringing in. end quote
Cant believe you called nigel dull, he’s not dull at all. if he was dull why would disney choose him to present there from the beginning and now carrying on on capital disney. nigel’s well talented.
Stephen says
Quizmania is great, gets me throught the night when i can’t sleep. I’ve called up once or twice but i think the presenters are entertaining more than anything, especially Chuck and Greggles.
Ismael Florit says
Hello. My little piece of advice is, if you’re desperate for money, get a job. If you have a job you’ll know better and not call in. But if you insist, I’ve watched the programme a few times to analyze it. They have these timers. Take for instance, 2 minutes. They say they deffinitely take a caller before 2 minutes. I watch. All calls are taken between 3-15 seconds left. Meanwhile everyone is trying to call, and only if 1000 people call the show once, £600 are available. If 1000 ppl phone twice, £1200. You get the idea.
STOP GIVING YOUR MONEY to other people, and if you are gonna call, time the phone call 5 seconds before 10 seconds are left. You are much more likely to get through.
And another thing, stop torturing the crap out of yourself thinking “if only I had gone through, I could’ve said banana and made £5000”. Turn the tv off, get some sleep, wake up and go to work refreshed. Don’t let them waste you.
sam says
I won £400 on monday by using the free web entry and got through to the studio twice..If you have to pay, dont play!