Up until now we thought that the creepiest thing about Quantum Of Solace was its title – three words so pointless it may as well be called Acorn Of Bum.
But that’s obviously not the case at all – it turns out that the creepiest thing about Quantum Of Solace is that Bond girl Gemma Arterton was born with six fingers on each hand, but presumably had the extra ones snipped off when she was a baby.
It’s a bit grim, but we love the fact that Gemma Arterton chose to reveal her genetic disfigurement as a way of promoting Quantum Of Solace. We sorely hope this marketing technique catches on, because we’d definitely go and see the new Harry Potter movie if Ron Weasley suddenly decides to tell everyone that he’s got 15 testicles and unusually long forearms.
So now we know why Gemma Arterton gets covered in oil during the new James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace – it’s because people are preparing to burn her like a bloody witch.
And quite right, too, because Gemma Arterton was born with an extra finger on each hand, which is definitely the sign or either a witch or a fairly accomplished recorder player. Gemma – the Bond girl who’s less into S&M than the other one – inexplicably decided to reveal this weird deformity secret during an interview with Esquire. The Telegraph reports:
Arterton, 22, still has small lumps on the side of her hands following the childhood procedures to have the extra digits removed. The fingers were “tied”, causing them to fall off naturally. “It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she told Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”
Actually, we shouldn’t mock Gemma Arterton for this – it was honestly very brave of her to come out and reveal this 12-fingered secret right before the biggest movie role of her life. And so, in honour of Gemma Arterton’s courage in the face of infant deformity, hecklerspray would like to present you all with a list of what all the Bond movies would have been called if Gemma Arterton had starred in them. Ready?
Dr No Gloves Fit Me
From Russia With Specially Modified Gloves
Deformed Superfluous Goldfinger
This Bowling Thunderball Has An Unusually Large Amount Of Holes In It
You Only Freak People Out By Shaking Their Hands Twice
On Her Majesty’s Secret, Impressively Intricate Shadow Puppet Service
Diamonds Are Forever, Not Like These Gruesome Nubby Lumps On The Side Of My Hands
Live And Let Die, Witch, Die
The Man With The Golden Gun Isn’t Letting You Anywhere Near His Gun, Deformo
The Spy Who Wanked Me Off With Surprising Efficiency
Spoonbreaker
For Your Eyes Only… Behold, The Creepy Shrine I’ve Constructed For My Guillotined Extra Fingers
Dodecagonpussy
A View To A… Oh Jesus, What’s Wrong With Your Hand?
Your Weird Hands Scare The Living Daylights Out Of Me
Licence To Play The Piano Better Than You
GoldenEye, SilverNose, FreakyMaggotHands
Tomorrow Never Dies, Unlike Your Spiritual Ancestor Jeremy Beadle
The World Is Not Enough, But 10 Fingers Are Thanks
Count To 12 Faster Than Anyone Else Another Day
Casi.. No, Your Hands!! Urgh! Royale
Acorn Of Bum
You’re welcome.
khs says
What’s ‘creey’ about that? Why are you trying to make a huge ‘scary’ story about a perfectly simple birth defect? If she had a cleft palate or club foot at birth would you still be publishing this “Crazy Deformed” rubbish? You are the crazy people and she is not deformed. ( BTW – Even if she still had had 6 fingers on each hand she would still be a greater person and more beautiful than you.)
machernucha says
still wouldnt say no
HT says
Oh, bless you Stuart. For the love of God, give us a story on the ‘creey-ness’ of a cleft palate or club foot at birth.
Anne says
God, this is the strangest thing I have read: because there’s nothing wrong with it! And I wouldn’t say no to her…she’s beautiful and quirky!
Molly. says
That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think? I agree with the person above. If she’d had Any other more, maybe, well known birth defects, would you still have made the comment? Probably not. Also, it doesn’t make much sense as i think most people would agree, she is one of the most beautiful women alive.
Ya says
Wtf is wrong wiv u. Lots of people are born like this. I agree with all people above. Stop trying to ridicule good actors
Ya says
Wtf is wrong wiv u. Lots of people are born like this. I agree with all people above. Stop trying to ridicule beautiful actreses.