we're famous, well-respected bloggers now which means this column is able to be even more irregular and lax than it is at current and you will still have to read it while nodding in agreement with our award-winning opinions on everything from Tulisa?s dental trauma to the death of Berlusconi?s third album of love ballads. How d’you like them apples?
Don’t answer that.
Yes you heard right Berlusconi isn't just a laughing stock in political and sexual circles, but in the music business too as his latest album is set never to be released. Our ears sagged as we heard the news that due to his stubborn loyalty to attempt to save the world's poor (by keeping the whores and human traffickers in business), everyone's favourite Italian stallion is not allowed to unleash his musical vision.
Still, we can't wait for Eurovision.
Until then we will trawl through the mass of ironic, non-political videos and find you a nice treat for getting to the bottom of this dross, stay tuned it's going to be fiendishly fabulous you can bet on that and high collars.
It's not even Hallowe’en anymore, we missed that due to unforeseen laziness, but some horrible videos caused internet sensations last week amongst the vile humans we spend our time with so now it's your turn to be disgusted by the imaginations of imaginative people.
First though a lovely story from today's Metro about a man from Manchester who clearly didn't realise Hallowe’en had ended; it really is that grim up north. The stupid geek with a massive geek collection of geeky Star Wars actions figures killed his wife. He killed his wife because he's a nerd and because that's what nerds do when you threaten their collections, to be fair the bitch did destroy the probably valuable collection he had been building since he was 17- he's now 30 and is going to have a lot of cats when he gets out of jail in 12 years; well… maybe just cat figurines. Now that you're all shocked and appalled at God?s greatest creation the time is just about right for you to watch these disgusting feats of musical cinema.
If you like hideously pumped up electro that would sound terrible in a club, in your bedroom, your Fiat Punto, or anywhere else that has a sub-woofer then ?Big Bad Wolf? by Duck Sauce is the song for you and let's face it you probably howled with laughter at the most unimaginative and frankly degrading video we've seen in approximately ten minutes. ?The internet has been whispering about this just enough for you to have heard about it, but not enough for you to pretend you care and feign any knowledge about the significance of a wolf’s head as a man?s penis.
They didn't even take it to the next level and put Taylor Lautner?s head there: now that would mean something. It would mean something like he's gay or a cock-muncher or whatever the twelve year olds are saying these days. Currently though it has done nothing but ruin our appetitive and love of the feisty bar owner in Coyote Ugly who assured us that men had toddlers in their pants and not wolves, though it does sort of come full circle.
That wasn?t particularly horrible was it?? It's more of an annoyingly feeble excuse at controversy, but the French, as usual, have one upped everyone with DYE?s video for ?Future? and it's animated, animation is pleasant and for children is it not?? NO, NO IT?S NOT. DON?T YOU SHOW THIS VIDEO TO YOUR INNOCENTS. Directed by animation wunderkind J?r?mie P?rin we see some clean, dirty, line drawings getting up to no good in a swimming pool.? They?re kids like you once were, just after a sneaky drink and of course sex, but wait a minute what's? oh God, please, no, no, it can't be, surely not, not their genitalia. It's like the plots of Tremors and Worms (yes, the game) were combined and relocated to your vagina.? Not even the water is nice as it splashes against your screen like little flecks of cum. Everyone dies.
It's the best advert for abstinence we've ever seen. Now you must see it too.
Uhh… sorry.
There are so many horrendous items to choose from on NME?s dedicated video site this week; what to wow you with next was a tough choice or, considering that Nickelback have released new material, the easiest thing in the world ever.
Youtube appears to have gained some sort of standards and we're really cutting edge so the video for this isn't available for your eyes yet, but fear not you can watch the lyric video right here in glorious technicolour.?
Not even 30 seconds in and the most overwhelming thought ever is Chad Kroeger, nobody cares enough to check that spelling, has had a hair-cut and possibly plastic surgery on his uncannily smooth face. Resume playing.
It’s only a matter of time until an ?ber-Conservative Presidential Candidate uses this mawkish, obvious bullshit to punctuate a point about kicking the poor in the face. Get excited about that one.
So many still images of soldiers, and the underprivileged, and, er, surfers; couple this with fast tracking shots of the band in a corn field and the line ?let the drums play on? and it's the most hateful video you've ever not watched all the way through. Between the outreached hands and cardboard signs reading, ?Hope,? this is a song with a message and that message loud and clear is please never listen to this band for fear of shooting yourself in the foot with your loose morals and money.
Did somebody say loose morals and money; codename bunga bunga?
Everything is Italian so we don't understand exactly what this is, it sure as hell is not Silvio Berlusconi singing (in fact, it might be), but you know, you might enjoy it anyway.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!
Youracunt says
Id sure like to shoot you in the foot or face!