I'm fascinated by Pitbull. He went from being a guilty pleasure to my favorite rapper, for reasons that would stump the Cosmos. I know that I shouldn?t like him. Listening to his music is like that scene in Full Metal Jacket where the fat guy has to eat his secret donut while his fellow soldiers do push-ups. Donuts are delicious, but I'm about to be repeatedly hit with socks full of soap bars.
His newest single, ?Don't Stop The Party? makes zero to no sense, but Pitbull is completely okay with that.
?You don't get them girls, lose, lose.
You don't get the world, lose lose.
You don't get money, oof oof, but I do??
Maybe it's because I'm not Pitbull, but I have no idea what ?lose, lose? means. Am I losing? I can understand that Pitbull has way more jets than I do, but I think Mr. Worldwide may be starting off on the wrong track by directly insulting me and letting me know that I suck. I get it, Pitbull. From the looks of the microwave?d Chinese food in my lap, I'm far less Pitbull and way more Guy With Microwave?d Chinese Food In His Lap, but I'm a person too, regardless of my lack of getting the world.
He then follows it up with ?oof, oof? which I think is rapper lingo for ?I left my notebook on the plane.? ?Oof, oof? is usually reserved for fat people and their misadventures with stairs, but I guess Pitbull can use it. He makes a big point about being from two worlds, English and Spanish, but I could argue that he's from three: English, Spanish, and Just Pitbull.
?I'm running through the world like a running back??
Pitbull understands similes, but only very loosely and in the most literal sense. If Pitbull is going to liken himself to something, he?ll use an example that is exactly that something. If you said that it might be a bit more clever to rap ?like a track star?, Pitbull would ask his translator to remove the bizarre foreign man from the room. Pitbull?s kryptonite is a dictionary.
?Scarface, world's mine, running back.?
Is there a line in Scarface where Tony Montana talks about ?running back? or did Pitbull just forget that he used the words ?running back? two seconds ago? Is it rhyming if it's the same word? That would make rapping a hell of a lot simpler.
?30,000 people with hands on me??
I don't know if that's as glamorous as you want it to sound, Pitbull. While this line explains how ancient cavemen approached a first date, nowadays, it usually only ends with crying and a bunch of frat guys telling her that she shouldn?t be wearing a skirt so short. This whole song deserves a morning-after pill.
??Catch me with Red One in Stockholm. Beirut, caf?, getting? my drink on (Voli.)?
At this point, you don't need to name drop to impress us, Pitbull. We know that, whenever you land in a country, the sheer mass of people who migrate there with the sole intention of fucking you shifts the earth?s weight. Drinking with your producer isn't chump change, but when 30,000 people are grasping for your white jacket like a Christ figure who sang the title track in Men In Black III, there is a distinct hierarchy of what's cooler than what.
Pitbull ends this line showcasing his inability to not talk about Voli. He doesn't even try to fit it into the flow of the verse. It's like he finished his studio time and was about to drive away before he realized ?Oh shit! My vodka!?
?Where all the pretty women hit the hookah??
Finally, Pitbull starts to talk about women specifically. It's a subject that doesn't really go anywhere, but considering how many times Pitbull has talked about sleeping with a girl, and, subsequently, that girl?s sister, he'd knew that we?d need to hear something about the opposite sex. Otherwise, those 30,000 people might as well have all been dudes.
they never will stop the party!?
If you're going to make edits to your lyrics, Pit, you should mark it out or do something that lets you know that you don't want to use it anymore. This last line comes off as Pitbull deciding that ?They can't? and ?They won't? aren't powerful enough, and then forgetting what he just decided. All three? Why not? At this point, ?Don't Stop The Party? isn't part of a music genre, but an experiment on seeing how far you can bend human language before it breaks.
??Now I'm doing shows in Helsinki (Finland.)?
Thanks for the geography lesson, Pitbull. If you hadn?t needlessly added the country at the end there, I'd be stuck wondering why Pitbull decided to talk about a Star Wars planet.
?I know what ya?ll thinking.
Ya?ll thinking that you can outthink me,
but you can't, frankly?
While the answer to this is ?Considering that half of you last verse was proving to the world that you could remember a time you heard someone count in the thousands, yes,? I feel like his paranoia is unwarranted. Does Pitbull really think that I'm trying to trick him? Why? And how? It's not like I'm going to go up to him and ask ?Tell me something that rhymes with ?running back? that isn't ?running back?! Now!? No one is THAT cruel.
?My mind full of Benji?s, Frankies,?
Considering that it's fairly new, I couldn't find the lyrics to this song anywhere on the internet, so I had to transcribe it by ear. This process was exhausting. Transcribing a Pitbull song is like asking a man with no hands why he hasn't taught his son how to make sock puppets. It's frustrating in ways you can't imagine.
That's why, when I hear what Benjamin Franklin?s name would sound like if someone said it while making fun of a Spike Lee film, I wonder if it's an actual lyric, or if I've just been awake for too long. One synonym for the hundred-dollar bill is enough, Pitbull. We can assume that, since you know that Helsinki is in Finland, you\’ll know what ?Franklin? sounds like when you cut it in half and shove shitty hip hop into it.
?Just ?cause you aint me, don't hate me..
As a matter of fact, you should thank me.
Even if you don't, you're welcome, young kids.?
This is a bizarre display of emotions. Pitbull goes from once again being paranoid about his hypothetical enemies, to suddenly bursting with pride and demeaning them. Take that, people who might not exist! When Pitbull shoots, he shoots to baffle.
?Jigga jigga jigga jigga zaow!
Who got the keys to the world now?!?
I feel like that first part might negate the second part. ?Keys to the world? aren't a real thing as far as I know, but I feel like whoever owns them wouldn't hand them off to the first person to end ?jigga jigga? with ?zaow!?
?Yours truly. Bloaow, bla-bla-blaow!?
And, like the end of a formal letter, Pitbull signs off on ?Don't Stop The Party? with a ?Yours Truly.? And then he does a poor impression of an explosion. Thanks, Pitbull.
Blaow to you too.