The Royal family split opinion more than whether psychic Sally can communicate with your dead Uncle Ray. Love them or loathe them, Queen Elizabeth II and her slightly racist husband Phillip won't be going anywhere soon.
Wouldn’t you cling onto your life if you had the cushiest job in the known universe?
Of course, most see the royals as old and stuffy. No-one connected us to them. Then, a new generation arrived in the name of Prince William and Harry who got drunk in nightclubs and actually seemed to have a day job. However, Prince Harry continued his grandfather?s trend of being inappropriate by dressing as a Nazi. Before the royal wedding, Kate was loved by everyone. Magazines praised her style and she was regarded as ?fitter? than Camilla. But on her big day, she was upstaged by her own sister, Pippa ?the arse? Middleton. What’s she up to then?
Since gaining notoriety for just wearing a bridesmaid dress, she hasn't been out the public eye. And now she wants to dictate how we party at Christmas.
Christmas parties don't often need much thought or planning. The whipping boy in the office just needs to badly organise a date, time and venue and then hope everyone else can make it. Otherwise, it'll just be an awkward gathering of ten people who normally sit away from each at work and fire off e-mails to colleagues saying how much they despise them. But for Christmas of course, it'll be all fake smiles and cuddles.
But it seems Pippa Middleton has other ideas and wants us to be all spiffing and sophisticated at this festive time of year. Chances are we wouldn't get an invite around her palace or castle, the view of us in sweat stained vests probably wouldn't go down well at the dinner table. Here are a few of the tips she suggests make a cracking Christmas party.
?1. Welcome family and neighbours by lighting pathways with tea light garden lanterns, LED light sticks and fairy lights wrapped round tree trunks or branches.?
Essentially, this means we?ll have to go to a local branch of B&Q and battle past crowds of gormless shoppers. Sod that, instead we?ll just huddle around lampposts with our mobiles phones like decorations, cooing at strangers to enter our bedsit.
?2. Christmas themed tablecloths do all the ?dressing’ aspect for you.?
It might be us, but when you were roughly seven years old, birthdays parties held at your house revolved around a theme you liked, or whatever was big in pop culture. For boys it was probably football whilst a girl?s party may have revolved around a toy brand. Pippa basically wants us to graffiti our best tablecloth with images of Santa, reindeer and mince pies. No chance.
?3. Hot chocolate ganache sticks stirred into mugs of warm milk are wonderful.?
We have no idea what ganache is, it sounds like a bodily fluid you'd vomit up. To us, chocolate and warm milk is just hot chocolate. Free range organic chocolate granules are way too classy for any of our guests. Anyway, we're not allowed mugs for safety reasons; it's just plastic beakers for us.
Something tells us that Pippa Middleton is worlds apart from the average person. If she or one of her aids is reading this and wants to see how the idiots at hecklerspray plan to celebrate Christmas, you're more than welcome to come along.
Transport isn't included. We don't have the bloody riches of royalty. THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A COMMONER?
Crushed Bandicoot says
Paragraph five. So good they printed it twice.