Pink has given birth to a baby girl. A stupid, stupid baby girl. A baby that will cry, defecate, vomit and drag every ounce of Pink’s sorry life out of her until she’s even more of a husk than she was before. And we’re supposed to care. We’re supposed to give a flying fuck.
See, this is what happens when someone completes the tedious biological feat of unifying a sperm and an egg. We’re supposed to coo about how beautiful a moment in human history it is, despite the fact, as underlined in the thousands of housing estates in Britain, even the most dithering thicket-brained bovine can get pregnant.
Effectively, all a baby is, is a signal that condoms are brilliant and that a person has decided to completely give up on life, in favour of bestowing their flickering hope on another human who, obviously, will continue the cycle of failed potential, in turn, having children of their own and perpetuating the notion that where there are future humans, there is hope.
Of course, humans don’t bring hope – only despair and occasional distraction from the clawing, growing inner self-loathing that will one day consume us all while we sit in our nursing homes, surrounded by yet more filled nappies and mashed up food. We exit the world in the same way we entered it – crying and helpless.
But that’s not stopping Pink from being filled with that irritating, misguided glow that new mothers shove down everyone’s throats in the form of endless identical baby photos and dribbling sycophancy over a child that is, ostensibly, exactly the same as every other stupid child.
She tweeted, unaware of the doom about to face her:
“We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy. #beyondblessed.”
Pink will invariably have such pride in her offspring, thinking that it is some kind of miracle (it isn’t a miracle – dogs have sex and they’re stupid, dirty creatures) that needs to be shared with the world. She’ll sit her little fucking baby in cafes, oblivious to the fact her shrieking runt is making everyone else apoplectic with rage. She’ll pop her little bundle of git on planes, where decent, upstanding humans will all jostle for position at the emergency exits mid-flight, in an attempt to escape the horrors of a mother’s joy and a tiny red-faced shit factory.
What will make Pink even more unbearable about this wickle migraine-waiting-to-happen, is that she’s had a miscarriage in the past. Of course, the trauma of a miscarriage isn’t a joking matter, but we should treat successful pregnancies with even more concern. Miscarriages can wreck a family’s life. Baby’s can make entire restaurants miserable. Forever. With their constant screaming and grating gurglings.
And worse still, childless simpletons will coo at how astonishing this all is, tittering at tiny trainers bought for this grabbing tit-vulture. They’ll hoot at how tiny the baby’s nails are, before grimacing with pain as the monstrous sprog embeds these translucent finger razors into their arm! Their eyes will fill with water and through gritted teeth, as the baby reaches the marrow of the bone, they’ll whimper ‘she’s got her dad’s… dad’s… eyes… hasn… hasn’t she? Is… isn’t she l… lovely?’
All this horror for what? A future toddler throwing handfuls of its own muck at everyone, eventually turning into a greasy teenager, before flowering as someone who temps in an office because of the crushingly unemployment, exacerbated by guess what? Correct! All those fucking babies that were born. Even worse, they could end up like us.
Do share your well wishes in the comments below.
aclineo says
with celebs having babies left and right, i’m surprised this is even a story at all!
Kim says
For someone looking to call someone else and their offspring stupid, you might want to hire an editor. A proofreader could have pointed out that you don’t need to use the word “out” twice in one headline. I’m not even going to bother with the rest of your article because the headline spells out loud and clear the journalistic integrity contained within. I really miss Stu. Seriously.