Life's greatest mystery isn’t where the city of Atlantis is, why men have nipples or when the new Guns N’ Roses album is coming out. It’s actually trying to work out what women want and what exactly makes them tick.
From watching various films, television shows and listening to feminists waffle on we thought we knew the answer. To the best of our knowledge we assumed that women wanted to be swept off their feet, wined and dined at the finest restaurants that we can’t actually afford and being told their new haircut is gorgeous when it’s really a little bit wonky. So do all females want to be treated like a goddess? Apparently not – it turns out that some like their men a bit rough round the edges, or drugged up.
This can only explain why student Laura McLaughlin allegedly let Pete Doherty in to her love tunnel.
Not a day goes by now without some sort of comedy story emerging about Pete Doherty and his crazy hellraising antics like yo-yoing out of court, being arrested, released, arrested again and making weird pictures from his own body fluids. Only yesterday we told you that the Babyshambles star was set to collaborate with KFC. That’s the German football team, not the finger licking chicken house.
But whatever trouble he's in, at least Pete Doherty hasn't had to stop squirting it about up the ladies. Digital Spy reports on Doherty's chatting-up tactic as apparently used on student Laura McLaughlin right before he allegedly knocked her up:
“He said I was the opposite of Kate Moss.”
So we guess in that respect she’s not a supermodel, quite ugly, doesn’t have her own naff clothing range and isn’t partial to posing for pictures where it looks like she's snorting off the odd line of the old cocaine. Still, beggars can’t be choosers can they?
Of course, a Pete Doherty story wouldn’t be complete without some sort of strange twist for good measure. It wasn’t just any girl that Doherty was alleged to have done the dirty deed with. Oh no, he only went and shagged Sir Alex Ferguson’s goddaughter and she was a virgin before he supposedly got her pregnant.
In a statement that will literally have Jeremy Kyle, Trisha and every other tacky daytime show on TV reaching for their wallets, a spokesperson for Doherty said:
"Pete says he doesn't know who this girl is."
Expect a frantic bidding war to break out so someone can entertain the unemployed and students of this country as some chatshow host brings out the old DNA test kit to see if Doherty really did father a child. Does he know her or is she just out to randomly get her name in the papers? We can’t be too sure.
If we know Pete Doherty, he was probably off his face at the time – and if we knows students, she was more than likely hammered on cheap watered-down drinks from the student union bar.
We’ll give it till the day of the birth to pass judgement. If the baby comes out craving MDMA rather then milk, we guess Doherty is the father.
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Stabby McGee says
The opposite of Kate Moss is “quite ugly”? Are we looking at photos of the same hammer-faced, walking vomit-puddle?
Big Boris says
As much as I loath Peter Doherty’s fans (Doherty himself is just your average muppet cashing in on undeserved fame as we all would), I do enjoy watching P-Doh’s progress over the last 12 months.
According to his legions of fans, the desparate masses (whose hero worship of P-Doh is derived from their secret wish to be really good at English Lit just like they perceive P-Doh to be) would have us believe that he’s the greatest thing ever to happen to music full stop.
However, P-Doh’s career has slumped terribly. His tours don’t sell out, and Shotter’s Nation is bargain bin ready at Services stops across the nation. It’s no doubt troubling to realise that your career will go into a massive downwards spiral as soon as some skinny bird with a beehive starts taking more drugs than you do.
Doherty’s music is mostly terrible. That which is not terrible is appalling. However, he did capture the zietgeist of Britain’s aspirational teenage poets for a period of time. However, the problem with aspirational teenage poets is that they get over that phase pretty quickly, and realise that they didn’t really like poetry, they just wanted to get a leg over with the slightly goth looking girl in their English class. Once that moment’s gone, your history. As is Peter Doherty. Treasure him folks, for he is a modern day Adam Ant unfolding before your very eyes.