We thought it was wholly, completely, explicitly, undoubtedly impossible for Britney Spears to make a comeback, but boy, oh boy, are we wrong.
No, really. Britney Spears has totally arrived because PETA has offered Britney Spears a job. They want Britney to come be a receptionist for them. After all she did do a rather bang-up playing a receptionist on that random sitcom that nobody ever watches recently.
Also in related career advancements, we’ve just learned that Toonces The Driving Cat has been asked to be the Hilary Clinton’s personal chauffeur. Story developing…
If you call up PETA in the next little while, you might not hear the sounds of baby seals being unclubbed and foxes not being made into one of Jennifer Lopez’s coats like you are used to hearing. You’re more likely to hear something like “It’s Britney bitch… or is it a male cocker spaniel that’s gettin’ treated real bad?”, because Britney Spears just might answer the phone.
Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? A desperately flailing former pop-princess totally botches up every area of her life to an astounding degree, doesn’t screw up a single acting gig that a mentally underdeveloped chimp with no limbs could have done, and PETA randomly comes in and offers her a job reliving her part on the show.
You see, Britney Spears had a cameo recently on the um, ‘hit’ show we’d never heard of before Britney Spears was on it called, How I Met Your Mother. Apparently, Britney did well and her praises as a non-nutbag were sung by the cast of the show. We’re sure an honorary doctorate from Harvard will be presented to Britney shortly, but in the meantime, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk seen an opportunity and seized it. An opportunity of what, we’re not quite sure, but she’s seizing it, dag-nabbit! Newkirk wrote the following invitation to Britney:
"You would see — from the inside — why we are so concerned about issues like fur and homeless dogs and cats. As a 'thank you' for your willingness to learn and help, we would donate $1000 to a children's charity. We might have criticized you in the past for contributing to the dog overpopulation crisis and wearing real fur, but perhaps now that your own crisis has abated, a new day calls for a new relationship, a new outlook and a new understanding."
Britney no doubt read the invitation with the same sincerity and appreciation that we just did. After which she devoured a bag full of baby Chihuahuas and had a smoke. Like we just did.
Additionally, the receptionist position is described as a 'virtual receptionist'. A virtual receptionist? What’s that? That must mean she’ll virtually be working, but not really. Kinda like motherhood for Britney, except with animals.
Whatever. We really hope Britney takes the job. We can’t handle calling up PETA and getting Heather Mills and her high pitched whining that beckons dogs and bats in a ten block radius to our door. It's really expensive buying ammo everytime that happens. And the clean up? Such a nightmare.
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The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Drug abuser, sad parent, lame pop star who was paid mountains of money to perform on an internationally televised awards show- then showed up high, K-Fed’s EX (nuff said?)- and people are throwing jobs at her.
I was unemployed for 3 months once. I’ve got friends, illustrators all, who’ve been unemployed for as many as 2 YEARS. And WHEN we’re employed, we make pocket lint.