In our fractured and divided world, very few things can move atheists, agnostics, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, wiccans, druids, Taoists, Rastafarians, and Pastafarians to agree on anything. Luckily, no matter what invisible space wizard, planetary earth goddess, mystical energy, absolutely nothing, or floating spaghetti monster you believe in, you can turn to the guy next to you and go “at least none of us are as ridiculous as Scientologists.”
This also bleeds into the world of celebrity, as most rabid celebrity worshipers are willing to angrily pound their keyboards into comment threads all across the internet to defend their favorite bourgeoisie for everything they did from racist comments to hit and runs, but most people seem to draw the line at believing we are all filled with alien ghosts. And the only way to get rid of all these alien ghosts is to drive a dumptruck full of money to L. Ron Hubbard’s grave.
Everybody knows about Will Smith, Tom Cruise, and John Travolta being card carrying members of a religion that most D&D players would reject as a campaign from their Dungeon Masters, but what about the stealthier members? The people who don’t have their wives auditioned or spend so much time in the closet you could use them to organize shoes and go under your radar. You should be given the opportunity to not like them anymore too.
William S. Burroughs
Burroughs is among the most influential and well respected writers of all time, which makes it incredibly odd that he would pal around enough with the passable at best L. Ron Hubbard to become a worshiper of Xenu, but he did. He eventually grew tired of Hubbard’s fascist running of the religion and was expelled in the late 60s, but he still spent a significant amount of time immersed in it. I suspect most of that time was spent half-heartily assuring Hubbard that they were “totally literary equals” in order to avoid awkward conversations on their magic boats.
One would think being in a band like Germs and having a reputation as one of the craziest frontmen ever, you might steer away from organized religion of any type, but apparently the late Darby Crash got an early dose of school-sanctioned Scientology brainwashing and never quite shook his adoration of good ol’ L. Ron.
Dick Knubbler Edgar Winter
I don’t really think any of you care about Edgar Winter, although you might acknowledge that Frankenstein is an awesome song. I just realized he looked like Dick Knubbler from Metalocalypse and don’t think I’ll get an excuse to point that out again.
I hope you weren’t a big fan of Mad Men, because Peggy is all about Thetans. This is what happens when children go to extremes to rebel against their parent’s traditional religion. I guess being the daughter of one of the greatest presidents in United States history could be hard on your mind and lead you to some terr-…
Wait, Jed Bartlett wasn’t really president? That was a show called the West Wing? Well, who was President then?
Oh Jesus, really? Are we at least at peace with the middle east? What, seriously?
I should have never turned off my Tivo.
Every Person Who’s Name You’ve Forgotten From the Syndicated Sitcoms You Leave On When You Aren’t Paying Attention to the Television
Hey remember that girl from that show about the normal guy who married the insufferable self centered hippie? Or the chick from that 70s Show who was on that one episode of House? And the other dude in that show who got high all the time and messed around with Mila Kunis’ character? The big dude who was Vader’s kid on Boy Meets World? How about the older brother from Malcom in the Middle? That red haired girl that was kind of hot in a weird way from that show with the super hot mom and the bad guy from Blade? No, not the main guy, the other guy. Oh, and the chick with the horrible accent on the one show with the fat guy that keeps starring in all those shitty movies? Yeah, all Scientologists.
Oh and Jeffrey Tambor was too, but he got out, and you probably know his name anyway because Arrested Development was actually a good show.
Neil Gaiman (and maybe Amanda Palmer)
This one is sort of up in the air. Neil Gaiman, who gave us the greatest comic book series of all time – The Sandman, has a ton of connections to the “church” through his father and ex wife, but he never seems very warm to Scientology in interviews. Some people think he is just being diplomatic because Scientology has a history of cutting off family members that no longer adhere to their LARP session, while others think he funnels money into the pyramid scheme, but I just really don’t want to believe it. Plus he married the half of the Dresden Dolls that shows her boobs a lot. I like to think the dude that gave us American Gods and Neverwhere or the lady who covers Momus and doesn’t shave her pits are above paying people who aren’t street magicians to wave imaginary wands at them.
Wait, this one actually makes a whole lot of sense.
I know you must be heartbroken though, I’m sure you had so much respect for ol’ Charlie before this.