You may remember a few months ago (and if you don't remember, you're a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don't talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.
Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.
After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got ?mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it's arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised ?Hang on a second. This woman?s dimples aren't cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We've all been duped!? and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.
Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it's time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.
It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called?What To Expect When You're Expecting ? a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What's that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel ? but fair point, guys. Fair point.
On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl?s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone's favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone's second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.
These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:
?She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.?
Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It's going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we're all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.
Citizen Kane 2, anyone?
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Linda Elroy says
Um, they hire her because she gets results. X Factor ratings went up by 2 million after she joined the show having already been on for 4 years and then continued to increase. L’Oreal products that she endorses saw sales increase by at least 70%. Designers that she wears see their outfits fly off the shelves. Advertising space costs more when she’s on a show. Shows like Piers Morgan get their highest ratings when she’s on.
You may not like her, but to make out there aren’t obvious reasons why she’s employed by various companies to perform various roles is just idiotic.
Sophie says
Aha finally! A hecklerspray writer not afraid to tell it like it is concerning super chav. Nice :)
arzkazoo says
@Linda Elroy
..so you’re saying that an idiot chav on T.V encourages other idiot chavs to watch idiot chav shows? Well bugger me! What an astounding, revelatory analysis.
Also, we all realise that you’re probably in her employ.