As far as American Idol goes, Simon is the brain, Randy is the mouth and Kara is like the appendix or something.
And then there’s Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is American Idol‘s beating heart. Admittedly it’s a slightly terrifying heart that seems to be drunk a lot of the time and often shrieks to itself for no particular reason, but it’s still a heart. What would American Idol be like without Paula Abdul? It’d be professional and consistent. And rubbish.
But we’ll see that next year, because Paula Abdul is about to quit American Idol in a pay dispute.
Even though fewer and fewer people are watching American Idol – perhaps because the whole show is essentially three months of bad karaoke followed by a nightmarish Gillette ad of a winning single – it seems like the principal American Idol stars are about to have their wildest wishes granted in the show’s current contract negotiations.
Ryan Seacrest, for example, is going to get $45 million to present American Idol for the next three years. Simon Cowell is apparently after $100 million for the same period of time. And Randy Jackson – well, actually Randy Jackson has just been given a ball of scrunched up tin foil because that’s what he thinks money is. But what about Paula Abdul, the woman so beloved by American Idol viewers that some of them occasionally will kill themselves in slightly misguided demonstrations of their adoration for her?
Nothing. Not a peep. Apparently nobody has even begun to talk about granting her wildest wishes. Why? We just don’t know. Maybe it’s because Paula Abdul’s wildest wishes involve fairy tears and unicorns that can poo gumdrops. Or maybe it’s because whenever anyone tries to negotiate her American Idol contract with her, she gibbers on incomprehensibly for 45 minutes, then starts applauding something that only she can see, then falls over. Feasibly it could be either of these two things.
But whatever the reason, Paula Abdul is furious. So furious, in fact, that her longtime manager of three weeks David Sonenberg has told the media that Paula Abdul will leave American Idol unless her demands are met. Essentially it’s the plot of Die Hard 3, except it probably won’t end with Paula Abdul dying in a helicopter crash. The New York Daily News reports:
“She's not a happy camper as a result of what's going on. She's hurt. She's angry. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven't stepped up and said what they want to do. Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on ?Idol.'”
So there it is. Paula Abdul is the Kim Jong-Il of American Idol. While producers are busy sorting out Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, she’s threatening to bomb Hawaii because people have stopped taking her seriously. She’s bluffing, of course – like Kim Jong-Il she probably won’t carry out her threat, accept whatever meagre scraps are thrown her way and then, um, develop the early stages of pancreatic cancer.
It’s not really a comparison that stands up to much inspection, is it? Sorry.
Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter here
Vallo says
This is rather shabby treatment by the men in suits, leaving Paula in limbo. Hardly fair, as she has been with AI since the first day, and has always been used when publicity required. American Idol without Paula Abdul is unthinkable, who would Simon have to tease, banter with and bait. They are a team. Save our Paula.
Joke Police says
Give Cheryl Cole the job. She’s amazing at, like, talking, and, erm, looking pretty and stuff. Everyone says how amazing and talented she is so surely America is hers for the taking.
(i don’t understand)
Renewable Ray says
I for one think ratings will sky rocket by dropping Paula. Don’t think for one second that the hugely popular [like it or not] Sharon Osbourne can’t fill the seat. remember she already works for these guys. And when Simon does leave the show, Pierce Morgan will be a perfect fit. Again, he already works with them.
OK, flame away but sorry, this is the most likely scenario.
j daniels says
the only people who watch American Idol are people whose ears don’t work properly. these contestants are off key most of the time, and just awful. As for Paula baby. Who cares if she leaves. I never watch the show so it matters not to me. I wish the whole show would go away along with all those phony CSI shows.
mst3kster says
Paula should leave, her 15 minutes was up long ago. I vote to replace her with Amy Winehorse.
Celebrity Relationship says
The judges and Ryan do the same amount of work. May be Ryan a bit more but still … give the girl her fair share. I can’t see anyone taking her place not even whats her name … oh yeah Kara. Keep Paula or Keep AI off!
timberland says
I think paula is not bad
ghdhair says
I enjoy this artical