Paul Weller, king of the plastic mods, has confessed that he’s an alcoholic. This is only fair really because, frankly, he’s responsible for some of the worst music ever cut to wax. And that haircut? Jesus H. Christ.
Of course, Weller isn’t being sensitive about it all. In fact, he’s showing off about it. Basically, he’s crowing about how much he could drink and, furthermore, he’s acting all hard and saying that he doesn’t need professional help with it all.
He’s probably going to wank it out whilst looking at pictures of himself, or something.
The man who cruelly gave us The Jam (shut your face, they were largely awful. They were the Maroon 5 of their day) gave up drinking in 2010 following his marriage to girlfriend Hannah Andrews and is now teetotal.
Of course, to someone so achingly steeped in the past as Weller, he needs to prove that he’s not a wimp for stopping drinking and in fact, he’s still a big, tough, alpha male.
Talking to The Times, who we won’t link to because of their stupid paywall, he said:
“I feel fitter now. I go to the gym. Stopped drinking about 16 months ago… Time for a lifestyle change. I couldn’t keep doing it. It was killing me… I miss the silliness (of being drunk)… I’m not one of those people who can just have a couple?of drinks. If it’s two, it might as well be 20. If it’s 20, it might as well be 40…”
Woo woo! 40 drinks! Whaddaguy! His urine must’ve come out looking like stewed tea and stinking of special brew! OUR HERO!
“I think I’m an alcoholic, definitely. Yeah. I would have thought so. It’s hard to know where a pisshead becomes an alkie. Fine line. But yeah, I think so.”
Was it a struggle for big, tough Paul Weller to stop drinking?
“Not really. I didn’t want to go to AA or any of that bollocks.”
OUR HERO OUR HERO OUR HERO! He’s like a British Charlie Sheen or something!
Now then, how’s about keeping your mouth shut for the rest of your life now? That would be a truly heroic thing to do, right?
Wait? What’s that? It’s the thunderous footsteps of Weller’s sub-Oasis fans with their balding faux-mod haircuts (stuck up at the back, short fringe, long at the sides) chasing after us shouting “real talent!” and “you probably like Britney Spears!” at us!
HIDE!
grumpy old ratbag says
Love this. At last someone who shares my views about this waste of space.
JulesLt says
Uncontrollable binge drinking would make him a dipsomaniac, not an alcoholic, anyway. It’s drinking every day that makes you an alcoholic – and I’d be a lot more impressed if he’d given that up without help.
And what he’s not saying here is that as you get older, unless you are REALLY addicted to alcohol, your body pretty naturally limits your bingeing, through really awful hangovers.
Ben bishop says
Who is Mof Gimmers. What a sad pathetic article about one of the truly greats of our generation or any generation. Weller is a genius. The Jam shaped a generation and was a life change for me and my generation. I shouldn’t think the writer of the article even knows who Weller is let alone has even listened to any Weller. Let me guess, the writer is 20 or 22 has a got a media studies degree and therefore feels qualified to write whatever rubbish he feels like. Get a life sonny and go back to your “indygrunge” or whatever else you listened to at Uni man.
Dave says
Agree, no one is perfect – most of Weller’s music oozes greatness.
Penny says
Really rude article. You’re entitled to it, of course, but Paul Weller is a legend who is always trying something new (and giving me and others decades of life-changing music). And good for him for having the strength to get through it and give up alcohol.