Paul McCartney: Keeping Animal Torture Out-Of-State

Lately, Paul McCartney has been writing as many letters to political heads of state as he has songs. Although the ‘to‘ address is different, the similar message of these letters is evident: Stop animal abuse.

Last week he was helicoptered into the Canadian winter to stop the impending seal hunt. Though he wasn’t necessarily ready to snatch away hunter’s guns and billy clubs himself, he did achieve one of his goals – drawing the world’s attention to his cause. Now he’s hoping for a repeat in Arizona. Paul is going to single-handedly save the great Arizonan sand seal, which looks a lot like a regular seal but it’s generally perched on top of a dirty cactus and always moans about how hot it is. 

Paul’s real goal this time around is to prevent a monkey testing centre from moving into the ol’ AZ.

Another week, another Paul McCartney (CDs) animal crusade. This one is
aimed at preventing an animal testing centre from setting up shop in
Arizona, a state where McCartney owns a ranch. In a letter addressed
to Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano dated March 3, Paul talks
about his sentimental attachment to the state – it’s where Linda McCartney spent the last of her days:

"Arizona has a special
place in my heart… It is for her and all of
us who want to protect animals from harm that I am writing to ask you
not to let Covance, an animal-testing laboratory, set up shop in

hecklerspray, try as we might, can’t see anything wrong with animal
testing. Maybe it’s because we’re not intimidated by another species
surpassing our own in intelligence. Our two species can learn to live
together, gaining from each other’s knowledge. We think it’s wonderful
if an animal wants to display his hard earned smarts by being tested.
Slap a #2 pencil in his paw, talon or teeth and point him to the
correct bubble sheet. The way we see it, they’ve every right to take
the SAT, ACT, and Bar Exam as we do.

Stop the press
– as
the rather beefy fellow reading over our shoulder in this cafe just
told us, we got the whole testing thing wrong. In this case testing is
not about scholastic achievement and measuring knowledge – it’s
allegedly about torturing monkeys in the unholy name of
pharmaceuticals. PETA, the generally over-the-top animal activist group, have apparently moved on from their small fries of trying to get Colonel Sanders‘ plaster head removed from the Kentucky state capital and making a lot of noise about Michael Jackson and giraffe blood. They claim to have secretly placed a video camera in Covance‘s Vienna, VA laboratory. On it, they claim to have recorded footage of the horrible treatment of monkeys kept there. Covance isn’t taking these accusations sitting down. An official
there issued this statement:

"It is unfortunate that PETA is using Mr.
McCartney to spread their false allegations against our company."

hecklerspray has a modest proposal* that could be amiable to
both sides here. Get rid of the monkeys – use homeless people. Think
about it, there are plenty of perfectly good fun-loving homeless people
to inject, spray, blister, burn, and scar with their consent. That consent is the key difference here – monkeys can’t ever give it. In the slim chance the homeless don’t
give their consent, we could just tell them they’re signing for a
bucket of scotch. And if that doesn’t work, we could use poor people’s
babies for money. It’ll boost the economy years down the road as
there’ll be less poor people, the ones that are left will all have baby
money, and there’ll be more expensive futuristic drugs for rich people
to buy. Invest now.

Read more:

McCartney Wants Animal Lab Out of Ariz. – Forbes

[story by Shawn Lindseth]

*Calm down – it’s Jonathan Swift. hecklerspray was an English major