So you’re Paris Hilton. You’re primarily known for having graphic sex on the internet and drink-driving.
Where’s the one place on the planet that you probably shouldn’t visit? Why, somewhere that rules public drunkenness and sex outside of wedlock to be illegal, of course. Somewhere like, ooh, Dubai. Which, incidentally, is where Paris Hilton has decided to set the new season of her reality TV show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. Seriously. Guh.
We know what you’re thinking, and we totally agree – if Paris Hilton’s new Dubai BFF doesn’t turn out to be Jim Davidson, then we’re starting a riot.
Who thought BFF stood for ‘best friend forever’? You did? Well you’re wrong, and our estimations of you have plummeted as a result, frankly. BFF can’t mean best friend forever, because Paris Hilton is now gearing up for her third season of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, and you’re not allowed to have three best friends forever. No, BFF stands for ‘best friend forthesakeoftemporarilyboostingmyflaggingcareer’ and anyone who disagrees with us is an idiot.
If you’ve never seen an episode of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, by the way, then we should take this opportunity to fill you in – it’s basically The Apprentice, but instead of getting a high-flying job working as an executive for a well-respected businessman, the top prize involves listening to Paris Hilton bleat on witlessly on about her own hair until you can’t take it any longer, rip your own jaw out, beat her over the head with it until she dies and then curl up into the foetal position laughing like a schoolgirl until an ambulance comes to section you.
But anyway, now that Paris Hilton has found idiots willing to be her BFF in America and the UK, it’s now time for her to set her sights on a place that she’s almost comically unsuited to – Dubai. Reuters reports:
Production on the latest version of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” will begin later this month in Dubai and take 17 days, Ish Entertainment said. “We’re very aware we are not making the same show we would make in Los Angeles,” said Ish co-founder Michael Hirschorn. “I was excited about the sheer, ‘Oh my God, what’s going to happen’ factor,” Hirschorn said.
What’s going to happen? Isn’t it mindblowingly obvious what’ll happen, Michael Hirschorn? Paris Hilton will step off the plane to Dubai in a miniskirt, get instantly arrested for public indecency and spend the next six years crying to herself in a sweltering, overcrowded prison cell. Incidentally, her new best friend will either be a lizard who she adopts as a pet, occasionally breaking its legs so it can never escape, or a giant overweight lesbian who periodically tries to sexually assault Paris at knifepoint.
Either way, we’re in.
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Seriously! says
Seriously, you guys have a totally wrong perception of Dubai and Middle Easterners. I think this article is really unprofessional. Dubai is known to be a very fashionable city. It has the world’s largest mall, skyscraper and even earth’s most luxurious hotel. Dubaians wear bikinis and miniskirts! Please do research before taking the time to write this , i’m sorry, stupid article! Roberto Cavalli just recently opened a nightclub there and Chanel’s Karl Lagerfeld will be designing a hotel, or an island more precisly, called Isla Moda. He’s not the only one, Giorgio Armani, Versace and Elie Saab hotels are currently under construction in Dubai! And every American store has a store in Dubai, including Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdale’s!! Whoever wrote this article is seriously unprofessional and uneducated and should go back to school. Oh, and you are racist! Dubai even has your magazines, hence Harper’s Bazaar!! Reading this just makes me sick.
Seriously! says
Oh, and Dubai is a very cosmopolitan city! (only 27% are arabs). The rest come from Europe, India, United States and Asia?! If they its so strict and uncomfortable, why are they even in Dubai till now??
Glasgow Lesbian says
Ha ha ha ha ha, seriously funny post, I loved reading it, actually made me laugh out loud!
Sally x
Karla says
lol
brigitta says
Very funny post. I’m probably late responding to it, but just found it. I particularly enjoyed the part about her having to break the lizard’s legs. I know that’s what it would take to get me to stay around her for longer than a second.
Doug says
Seriously! (the poster)….you’re an idiot. Read again:
“Why, somewhere that rules public drunkenness and sex outside of wedlock to be illegal, of course.”
This is actually true. How vigorously the law is enforced depends on your race but I can assure you that these things ARE illegal and people DO get punished for them. Regularly. She probably won’t get arrested for wearing a miniskirt (although she may be ejected from Mall of the Emirates for violating the dress code – yes, malls have a dress code in Dubai) but I expect she’ll do something stupid like stumble out of Chi at 4am and amble round Karama shitfaced until the guys in the green cars find her.
But let me guess, Seriously!, you wouldn’t happen to be one of the air-headed blondes who think they’re a proper journalist because they ‘work’ at ITP Consumer, copy-and-pasting text from the ‘proper’ editions of your magazines, would you?
melabonbon says
stuart, i really wish you would stop being so unprofessional when you write for your satirical gossip website.
Eliz says
I live in Dubai, and agree with this article. Paris has no idea what she’s getting herself into. Dubai has NOTHING, it is NOT a fashion capital (shopping malls do not qualify as high fashion—sorry guys), and it is nothing like LA, Las Vegas, and could never dream of holding a candle to NYC or London. This show will be short lived, they’ll never sell it to MTV or British Broadcasting. This propaganda BS that Dubai is trying to sell the rest of the world is transparent. I hope Paris is herself, gets is some sort of trouble, then Dubai’s hopes of being a global tourist destination will be shot.
Mightyconan says
Hello! Paris in Dubai? I’ll give it a miss just because the irony is too much. With all the “imprisoned” foreign workers there the sight of an American slut exploiting herself on TV without the sad lot making it all possible being able to watch makes me SICK. Bono, where are you?