If there is one thing Hecklerspray hates, it's anything that lives underwater. Seriously, if God meant for those things to survive he would have given them lungs.

If there is another thing Hecklerspray hates, it's when celebrities wear T-shirts that look like they were made in a 7th grade home-ec class but with not one single fart joke on them. That's just such a waste.

Jessica Simpson though – she doesn't care what we think. Also she doesn't care what PETA thinks, what vegetarians in general think, or what Bruce Willis was thinking when he agreed to make that fourth Die Hard.

She might care what Pamela Anderson thinks though. Because Pamela Anderson thinks Simpson is "a bitch and whore."

Unquote.

Long has Pamela Anderson ravaged the souls of meat-eaters everywhere. At one point, she even wanted the Colonel's head torn off.

After that, she wanted it flambéed and then secretly served at a White House luncheon to thousands of heads of state. Luckily, Bobby Flay was there having a throwdown with one of the Bush twins at the time, and he graciously intervened.

Don't check those facts anybody. Absolutely no need to check 'em.

A couple of weeks ago you may recall that PETA was piping mad at Jessica Simpson for wearing a T-shirt that read 'real girls eat meat.' Allegedly, they tried to scientifically prove the garment had been made from the skins of endangered baby penguins, but they failed in this as they couldn't get a sample.

Well now PETA-enthusiast Pamela Anderson wants a piece of this action. When asked about Simpson and the shirt on an Australian radio show she reportedly said:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Well, that is pretty darned straightforward. Sorry, Jess. We can't relate. That's because we are on great terms with Anderson, and we intend to stay that way for a very long time, too.

That's why we ask that she never visit us directly at work in our baby-seal mitten-making factory – where 'we're putting the soft back in winter'.

We feel she'd likely take offense to all those wispy tufts of fur spewing out the air vents, and we don't want to risk it.

Did you like that slogan though? It sounds so good, doesn't it? 'We're putting the soft back in winter'. We're thinking about buying it from a mediocre ad agency but it'll still cost over $10,000.