You wouldn't have thought that OJ Simpson needed guns to look tough – a decade and a half of people running away from him screaming "It's that dude who may have killed his wife, though he was ultimately found innocent" has seen to that.
But even a tough guy like OJ Simpson apparently needs to use guns to look even tougher now and again. Specifically we're talking about when OJ Simpson decides to hire a gang of heavies to raid the hotel room of two terrified sports merchandise dealers so he can shout "You think you can steal my shit?" at them a million times like a man who possessively crams all of his plops into a state-of-the-art bank vault instead of flushing them down the toilet like everyone else does. Anyway, one of OJ Simpson's hired goons has officially testified that OJ wanted him to bring a gun to the raid to "look tough." Weird – we've always just grown moustaches and worn leather hats when we've wanted to look tough. OJ should've tried that.
There's a chance that OJ Simpson's armed robbery could put him in jail for the rest of his life – 10 felony charges of robbery, kidnapping, coercion and assault with a deadly weapon tends to do that – which just goes to show that while you maybe be widely suspected to have murdered your own ex-wife, there's not a chance you can scare a couple of middle-aged ball-collectors and get away with it, buster. Not if your blabbermouth turncoat henchmen keep yammering on to the police about all the terrible things you made them do, at least. And that's almost exactly what's happening to OJ Simpson at the moment.
OJ Simpson's entire defence of the armed robbery rests on two points: a) that it wasn't armed and b) that it was spontaneous. But that'll be a hard defence to maintain now that OJ Simpson's goons are testifying against him. The two men who OJ apparently recruited to help him raid the sports merchandise dealers have reached plea deals with prosecutors whereby their sentences will be shortened so long as they claim that OJ Simpson planned the raid in advance, that guns were brandished during the raid and, just for good measure, that OJ Simpson is a lousy tipper who parks in disabled bays in supermarket car-parks even though he's not even disabled and once showed a photo of his balls to a devoutly religious woman.
And now, thanks to the magic of tape-recorded police statement transcripts, we know exactly how OJ Simpson's heavies are testifying against him. According to ABC:
"O.J. said 'Hey, just bring some firearms,'" Walter Alexander told police in a transcript of his tape-recorded statement obtained by The Associated Press. Alexander told police after his arrest Sept. 15 that he and another man showed up with guns at the former football star's request, then headed with him into a casino hotel room to retrieve collectibles that Simpson said belonged to him. "He said … 'we won't have to use 'em, but … just to look tough, you know, so that these people know that, you know, we're here for business,'" Alexander said.
That's fair enough – our Dad uses guns to let people know he's there on business too. He's a plumber by trade. Doesn't get much work. Anyway, Walter Alexander's testimony will be key when OJ Simpson goes to court for the armed robbery and, if proved, may be enough to put him away for good.
Of course, to protect his back, OJ Simpson has flat-out denied that there were any guns involved in the raid whatsoever, and is expected to testify in court that the 'guns' people are claiming to have seen were actually two bananas and a dildo, and that the much-quoted "You think you can steal my shit?" line was actually OJ gleefully shouting "Let's make a banana/dildo dip!" – a dip he wanted everyone to make while "up against the wall, motherfucker."
Because he didn't want any banana to get on the hotel rug you see. These places keep your credit card details for stuff like that.
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