Ready to have your perception torn apart?
That's right – forget all that other news-based stuff you've been reading about. Forget about global warming and the crisis in the Middle East. Wipe your memory nice and clean of all that Iraq war nonsense. Don't even think about paying any more attention to the cash-for-honours Labour government scandal.
Why not? Because hecklerspray has got news that will literally rip your mind from your skull. Earth-shaking, epoch-defining, universe-realigning information that will change the way you live.
Apparently Eva Mendes once wanted to be a nun.
In what must be the most incredible newsburst since Posh Spice got chased around a school by some pigs , it has been revealed that:
"The 32-year-old actress, whose films include 2 Fast 2 Furious and Hitch, was ready to pledge her allegiance to God, until she found out nuns don't get a salary. She says: "It was something I really wanted to do. But then my sister told me, 'You know, Eva, nuns don't get paid.' And I said, 'Forget it!'"
We know. It's shocking. Take a deep breath. Things will never be the same again.
Truly we have entered a new era. From this day forth history shall be started anew. This is Year Zero, friends – we have left the Modern Age and have found ourselves in what can only be described as the Eva Mendes Wanted To Be A Nun era. We know you're scared. We are too. But together we can forge a brave new world. Together we can realign our lifestyles to cope with this monumental happening.
Eh? What's that? 'Slow news day'?
What's one of those?
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Nozza says
What a waste that would have been