Quick! We need to call in the best people possible on this one. But we don't mean the girly LAPD or the big blouses at the NYPD.
What we really need are a set of crack detectives who can wrap up a case within a couple of days. So far, our attempts to get in contact with Scooby Doo and his crimebusting friends have remained fruitless.
But why the bloody hell are the police involved with Michael Jackson? We all know he's ran out of boogie and currently resembles an extra from the Thriller video. In fact, they’re investigating the death of Michael?s pet giraffes. You know, that common pesky pet that occasionally drowns you in spit. It seems that the people who inherited the creatures haven't been doing a satisfactory job. Now they’re just like their ex-owner – dead.
Prior to his death in June, a lot of people thought to themselves ?Wow for a supposedly healthy middle aged man, it probably isn't good to see parts of his body falling off and wheezing everywhere.? But to the ever-loyal Michael Jackson fan, this sort of talk meant you were a hater. They said, ?Michael is just saving his energy for his London gigs, it'll be the best thing ever.? Turns out he saved his energy a bit too well, and ended up popping his clogs. And the death sure created a lot of mess.
After he died, we imagine there was quite a lot of stuff to flog down the local car boot sale or give to oddball fans who?d lick a chair leg to get closer to their idol. One of the more tricky items to dispose of was Michael?s collection of exotic animals. Bubbles, of course, was the most famous of his pets – but he had others, including giraffes. As we know, these creatures are a bit funny to look at, so it's safe to say that Michael saw them as a comfort pet to reflect his own grotesque appearance.
Sadly, you can't abandon a giraffe like you can with a cat or dog. With a normal domesticated creature you can leave it in the middle of a country road or put it in a bag and dump it in a river. But with giraffes, their lanky features would give something away. And no-one can dig a grave that deep. So what's the best thing to do? Put them into care of course, like you would with an irritating pensioner. USA Today reports:
A couple in Page, Arizona acquired the giraffes as part of a plan to build a wildlife preserve on city property they leased in 2008 that also would house exotic birds, reptiles and a camel. The two giraffes died within the past two months, and necropsy results are pending.
Someone somewhere will have the fun job of hacking open a giraffe to see if Dr Conrad Murray was giving the creatures various prescription drugs. In the meantime, it's also been reported that the two other giraffes ‘will have to find new homes’. And who do you think wants to get involved in rehousing them? Giraffe lookalike Janet Jackson or even a zoo? No, it's the moaners at PETA. They suggest that:
The police confiscate and relocate the remaining giraffes.
Yes, because the police have the time and power to make prison-style pens for giraffes. It's bad enough that criminals get bummed in the shower – the thought of an animal doing that to them is just wrong. Honestly PETA, you make us sick.
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Sunny says
The other MJ pets need be ushered into Witness Protection programs before they wind up paws/hooves up like the hapless giraffes.
cawobeth says
You make me sick.
It was proven years ago that MJ provided the best of care to the animals of Neverland. That was over 15 years ago.
Why do people such as yourselves and PETA waste precious time with hate ?
Why not spend the time helping animals in need ?
Laura says
I think the words and phrases used in this artical were completely inapropriate! Michael might not mean as much to you as he did to others so if you have any human decency have a bit of respect!
Steph says
You are a journalistic abomination as well as a cruel individual. Look in the mirror.
rosamonde says
Why do people think the founding fathers were gods? they were not. When they made it constitutional that the people have a right to arm themselves so that government could not, by virtue of its power, oppress the people, they gave their citizens a sacred right that I believe in whole heartedly. But look how this right is abused, how many innocent people are killed each year because of weapons not used against a dangerously powerful government but against innocent and hapless victims. What were the founding fathers thinking? How were we to be protected against rampant violence in the communities of this country? It almost makes some of us want to do away with this beautiful thought the founding fathers had.
Similarly when they gave the people free speech they gave us democracy itself. Free speech is the most important protection a democracy can hope to have. But look how human cruelty is expressed through this right. Whatever you think of Michael Jackson the press treated him cruelly for no reason except that he was weird. If he was guilty of molesting children, the courts said he was not and in this country we are innocent until proven guilty. What kind of a country are we living in when mere weirdness is a ticket to unrelenting cruelty? I love to laugh (though I admit I don’t sound like I do right now) and love comedy more than any other form of entertainment. I’ve even joked that if Hitler were funny I’d have liked him. I like black humor and politically incorrect humor; I will laugh at most anything if indeed it is funny. When Michael Jackson died, I even joked that he had traded in the oppression of a black man for the oppression of a woman. But it was a private joke amongst my friends not meant to hurt. But to joke about someone’s body and to talk about his deteriorating body is not funny and is just a way to kill a hapless victim with the weapon of the pen. This man had a family, he had children, he was human. He may have been a criminal or he may have been innocent but it is not a crime in this great land of ours that our soldiers are dying for, to be weird and deteriorating. And he has innocent human beings who are mourning for him–family and friends and children. Why hurt so many people? We are all deteriorating and becoming decrepit and dying; it is unendurable, really. If you make me laugh about it I will love you. But if you laugh because of how people look you are hurting the founding fathers and making me, at least, wish that we’d had some who were a little cleverer and considered how cruel we are and how much protection we need from ourselves as well as our governments. In short, be funnier, try harder, do your part to respect and uphold the freedom of speech you have been granted through no effort of your own. Crack me up! Don’t make me mourn for Michael Jackson and all of us.
JoeMomma says
I think the only appropriate response to rosamode would be either
1) Ouch stop, my brain hurts.
2) Huh?
dan says
This article is a shame and what it shows is not only the FILTHY CONDITION of his author
Sara says
Apparently the Arizona police are following in the foot-steps of the FBI and LA law enforcement, who spent a lot of money (yours and mine) running around on a scavenger hunt a few years back. And guess what – the FBI found nothing to charge Michael Jackson with. My only hope is that the Arizona police hold themselves to a higher degree of integrity and honesty than the LA law enforcement. Your comments are just plain rude and uncalled for. It’s not polite to call people names. You are bad excuse for a journalist.
kate says
Oh man, biiiiiig surprise: yet another, un-original, slack-jawed sheep who can’t take the time to think for himself. Putting down MJ is OLD news, my intellectually-challenged friend. It’s all be said before, this is so un-original. Not to mention false, stupid, hatefull, and inacurate. You’re not seriously calling yourself a journalist, are you? No, you’re nothing more then a rumour-monger, at best. Journalists, in case you don’t know, are those people who look at facts – not rumours, not fiction, not media-lies.
smz says
Laidlow, you are making money out of Michael Jackson. You are the likes of Perez Hilton.
bill says
who the fuck wrote this article?
what a wasted human being this author is…
Seth says
Your are so lame. I read most of your articles and forced myself not to ask this question but what the hell. Why are half of your aticles relating to MJ? Just another idiot journalist looking for some attention by slurring Michael Jackson. Your pathetic get some real facts loser
hoohaahee says
Seth said: “Why are half of your aticles relating to MJ?”
..perhaps it’s because no other subject drives hordes of strange, denying-the-obvious, hero-worshipping idiots towards the site?
It’s hysterical how offended you MJ fans act. Not a single one of you ever met the man, or knew him personally. Yet here you are defending him on a COMEDY internet site. It’s priceless =]
The mindless absorption of MJ and the image his PR people created leads me to conclude that if the year was 1939, you fuckers would also be advocating the merits of this “exciting new political trend” that’s being popularised with snappy outfits and publicity..
Read up on propaganda and manipulation. Try to understand you’ve been blinded by high priced media people and bullshit from Jackson’s amoral lawyers. Then please, shut the fuck up.
dan says
You moderate our messages but, I wonder, who “MODERATES” you? THIS ARTICLE IS A JOURNALISTIC ABOMINATION.
gabriel says
Another rat!!!!
Instead of putting forward facts, you make fun of Michael’s physical appearance..you call yourself a journalist? you try to attract more hits to your web site by talking shit and at Michael’s expense.. you know why? because you are a LOOSER!!! Like you have wished you have made people discuss this issue, but you should know that, you are gaining that way, not because you are a clever bastard, but simply because you are LOOSER and Michael is loved.. you know why Michael is loved? because he was full of love.. and you, for your survival, feed on a great man like Michael, you foolish idiot!! If have so much to blame, then you must go and save children, animals and whatever you want, instead of just talk..but since you are a LOOSER all you can do is talk!!
and Michael Jackson is more beautiful than any of you bloody rats>
Iain Girvan says
People like you make me sick to my stomach, how incentive can someone be. Michael Jackson is, was, and always will be a legend, why can’t stupid waste of space people like yourself get on with typing stupid stories on your computer and posting them on websites like this and leave him alone, for godsake the man is dead, so why don’t you leave him alone and let him rest in peace!!!
Makes me sick!!!
JoeMomma says
Whats REALLY interesting this article was about his giraffes not really about him, and we’re getting all the flakes and nuts coming out.
As for Matthew, I don’t think he’ll ever get addicted to plastic surgery and pay doctors to pump him up with prescription pain killers to the point that it kills him. People who do THAT are losers. Beyond those losers are the losers that love a guy who was addicted to plastic surgery and paid doctors to pump him with prescription pain killers to the point that kills them.
Roar! says
BAM!!!
cawobeth says
Did it ever occur to you & PETA that these giraffes may have not gotten as good care since leaving Neverland, the last few years.
There was already a investigation of charges against Neverland and it was proven that they received good care.
Why can’t you reporters do your homework & stop with the assumptions, speculations & untruths ?
lilywhite says
I love it when Google newsfeed picks up hecklerspray and the crazies come out!
truths plz says
Heckler’s just another sicko craving attn & willing to settle for any kind. Rambling junk not worth reading. I’m outta here!
SashaPanda says
You know what? I just laughed the whole way through. You are like the definition of ‘Pathetic’ and ‘Attention Seeker.’ Good luck with your life! Youre gonna freeking need It! SashaPanda xxx
swe says
End of Days……….
I love you Michael….
swe says
and you guys call Michael a freak???LOL!
Burch says
At least he’s not a nonce.
TO FUKIN AUTHOR OF THIS SHITTTTY ASSSS ARTICLE says
GET HELP!!!! you will never be what michael was. or even anyone you know in your lifetime. so relax. when you die, i will make sure girly LAPD who protects your ass in need wont waste any time ruling your murder an accident. if you wanna write about something, write about people dying of hunger and how to help them not how to upset 99% of the world population. When you die, how many people do you think are going to care that you ever lived? There are billions people who care about MICHAEL. GOD BLESS MICHAEL. May He Rest In Piece.
lexiiii says
***TO THE BASTARD WHO WROTE THIS ARTICAL***
michael was NOT a freak
i bet you’re a lonley 40yo man that lives alone in his moms basement
am i right? huh, am i? of course i am:)
now go eff yourself you waste of a human being
hoohaahee says
Funny, funny stuff!
JoeMomma says
Can any MJ fan give me a recap of what happend today on Maury, Springer and Y&R?
Thanks
JM
OED says
Gabriel
Looser (v comp) Comparitive form of ‘loose’. Opposite of ‘tighter’
Loser (n)The opposite of ‘winner’. One who fails. A drooling, nutjob Michael Jackson fan incapable of differentiating between a humourous, satirical website and serious journalism.