Charlie Sheen – the man who was arrested on Christmas day for allegedly pulling a knife on his own wife – might have problems.
We know. We totally didn’t see this coming either. When we looked at Charlie Sheen – prostitute-shagging, drug addict Charlie Sheen, who once pleaded no contest to a charge of battery on his then girlfriend, who tends to be handed restraining orders by anyone he finds himself romantically involved with, who once left the world’s most offensive voicemail, who reportedly got drunk and pulled a knife on his own wife as a Christmas present, who stars in Two And A Half Men – we saw nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.
Shows what we know. Charlie Sheen has followed his wife Brooke Mueller into rehab, which has caused a temporary suspension in Two And A Half Men production. So it’s not all bad news, then.
Honestly, of all the Two And A Half Men stars, Charlie Sheen was the one who we least expected to end up in rehab. OK, we know that sounds a little unlikely, given that Charlie Sheen once shot a girlfriend in the arm, overdosed on cocaine, split up with Denise Richards in a flurry of accusations about drug use and violence and dead porn stars and implied paedophilia, believes 9/11 was an inside job, has been arrested for allegedly attacking his own wife on Christmas day and reportedly has a fetish for life-size latex cheerleader dolls. We know that.
We just thought the little fat kid would probably get there first. He just has that look in his eyes, doesn’t he?
But no. Charlie Sheen is back in rehab following a whirlwind couple of months in which his wife Brooke Mueller has taken out a restraining order against him, almost died of pneumonia and ended up in rehab for substance abuse problems. So what’s Charlie’s big problem? He hasn’t got one. No, really. Reuters reports:
“As a preventative measure, Charlie Sheen has entered a rehabilitation facility. He will take some time off from his series ‘Two and a Half Men.’ He has asked that his privacy be honored. No further statements are planned,” publicist Stan Rosenfield said in a statement on Tuesday.
See? No reason to be alarmed at all. It’s just a preventative measure. There’s nothing wrong with Charlie Sheen. He’s just going to rehab on the off-chance that he might want to start drinking heavily or taking drugs at some point in the mid-to-distant future. People do that all the time.
Oh, look, Charlie Sheen is fooling nobody. He can bang on about preventative measures all he likes, but any idiot can tell it’s too late for that. The man’s already made 154 episodes of Two And A Half Men, for crying out loud. There isn’t a facility in the land that can save him from an addiction that harrowingly destructive.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter