No Puny Earth-Trousers Can Contain Angelina Jolie’s Arse

When Angelina Jolie made Beowulf, she knew she was making the tricky transition between 'ultra-earnest humanitarian actress' to 'mostly-naked computer-generated Old English mythical half-sex lizard from the year 700 AD.'

And of all the transitions a woman can make, it's probably the hardest one - one minute you're crying over pictures of sad third-world orphans and the next minute you're having your head chopped off by Ray Winstone's virtual sword in a sexy way - but it's one that Angelina Jolie can make without even breaking her stride. And how did Angelina Jolie do this? By turning up to the London Beowulf premiere in a pair of leather trousers so skin-tight that her bum-stitches burst wide open, forcing Brad Pitt to spend the rest of the evening trying to cover up Angelina's arse-spillage with his hands, that's how!

Angelina Jolie has travelled to some of the world's most desolate places, either in her much-vaunted role as a UN-appointed humanitarian ambassador or just because she heard they were selling orphans off cheaply there. But our point is that Angelina Jolie thrives in these places, whether she's giving birth in Namibia or moving to New Orleans just to raise the spirits of the flood-ravaged locals.

But those places were a piece of cake compared to London, where everything literally fell to pieces for Angelina Jolie.

This weekend Angelina Jolie attended the London premiere of her new movie Beowulf with Brad Pitt and, even though it's just her voice and a clump of pixels mashed into a vaguely Jolie shape in the movie, Angelina decided to give the red carpet crowd exactly what they wanted.

Smiles and autographs? Yes, but we don't mean that. A full-on smooch with Brad Pitt in front of the world's press? That happened too, but what we're talking about is Angelina Jolie turning up in a pair of trousers so tight that the bum-seam split wide open, meaning that Brad Pitt had to spend the rest of the premiere with his hand clamped over Angelina's arse like some sort of dirty bum pervert.

If Angelina Jolie's bum-split wasn't bad enough, she also managed to tread in a wad of chewing gum as well, messing up her Christian Louboutin stilettos in the process. But, hey, it could be worse - as far as wardrobe malfunctions go, split trousers and gummy shoes are fairly minimal. It's not as if Angelina Jolie kicked an old pair of knickers out from the bottom of her trousers, is it?

And, seriously, since the average Londoner's day involves standing in a dirty, sweltering, expensive, overcrowded tin can snaking underneath the city with their face rammed into a sweaty bloke's stinking armpit, constantly worrying that overzealous police marksmen will shoot them dead just because they look a bit foreign, we'd say Angelina got off lightly.

Plus, by bursting her trousers open, Angelina Jolie has secured Beowulf more publicity than it was ever going to get. Let's just all be thankful that Tom Cruise didn't choose to do something similar at the London premiere of Lions For Lambs.