Can you believe it? Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce after 72 days of being married to some 40ft freakshow called Kris Humphries. It’s shocking isn’t it? The most lucrative love story the world had ever seen, is finally over.
Of course, it isn’t over. We’ve got a round of chat-show appearances to go yet, where Kim will gently wipe a solitary tear away while talking of her very real pain and whatnot. But effectively, it’s over.
And the pair have released some statements so we can all clutch our Rosary beads and worry about these poor fragile souls and generally make the same joke about the sanctity of marriage over and over again on social networking sites.
In the past, Kardashian has been photographed next to x-rays of some buttocks in a bid to prove to us all that she hasn’t had arse-implants (are they even a thing?).
Now, we strongly suspect she’s going to be snapped next to x-rays of her chest as she tries to convince us all that she really does have a broken heart.
You can stop laughing at the notion of Kim Kardashian caring about anything other than herself now.
In a statement given to E!, she said:
“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision.
“I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.”
Meanwhile, a nonplussed Kris Humphries said, via his rep:
“I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents.”
“I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce… I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”
Get that? The poor, lumbering giant had no idea. The poor dimwit is still wondering what went wrong. He’s rubbing his eyes (roughly the size of a spaniel’s head) with his big clumsy hands and feeling his second emotion, ever. The current one is a confused sadness… the first, of course, being that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you realise you’re being fellatated by a woman from a sex tape.
Either way, love is dead. You may as well kill yourself now.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it
chaz says
loved how you told it the way it is!!!!!!!!!!
d says
What an underwhelming surprise!