hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.
On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.
How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.
Is that because she has a better publicist than the others and goes out with a Formula 1 driver whose face and simpering voice are so ingrained in the national psyche that, to ignore his girlfriend, would be incredibly rude.
Let’s not forget though that Nicole and the Pussycat Dolls have sold millions of records despite the fact that their songs are the musical equivalent of being battered to death by a man in a beige overcoat wielding a raw Cumberland Sausage. Nicole also got out of a car on ITV in front of thousands of screaming plebs on The X Factor before sitting in front of said plebs being immensely polite and charming to people with only slightly less talent than her bandmates.
Her bandmates that she no longer speaks to according to an interview in Attitude.
Yes, that’s right! Apparently the Pussycat Dolls are still together! Who knew?! Who cared?! Not us, that’s for certain. However, the Pussycat Dolls’ split comes at a very useful time for Ms Scherzinger whose new solo album came out recently. It’s almost as if, by calling time on a band that no-one cared about or gave more than a passing thought to, it might help her own album sales.
There’s that exceptional publicist at work again.
The truth is that the Pussycat Dolls probably haven’t split. A massive movement which is actually the brainchild of someone else entirely is more than likely to survive the loss of Scherzinger and her preposterously large ego. Things like this never die. Look at the Sugababes. They’re now a Sugababes tribute band. The Pussycat Dolls are a highly lucrative and bloody irritating brand, not a girl group. They’ll probably be back.
Unfortunately.
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John Davis says
You grabastic piece of amphibian shit, do you not have anything better to do than sit your fat, ugly, doughnut eating ass at a computer and talk shit about people? What the fuck is wrong with you anyway fagget? Is your fat ugly girlfriend or wife not giving you enough of her rotten, pungent snatch recently you fucking queer ball? You’re probably the type of queer that would fuck another fagget in the ass, and not have the god damn common courtesy to give them a reach around. Who the fuck are you to rip on Nicole? You’re just mad that a woman like that wouldn’t even fucking look at your disgusting ass, let alone give you the time of fucking day you piece of shit. Why don’t you talk shit to me, to my face you son of a bitch? I bet you wouldn’t, and you know why? You’re nothing but a god damn coward who hides behind a computer screen and is a negative little asshole. Fuck you and your shity ass website. Lord I pray that you get testicular cancer that spreads to your pea brain, and you die a horrible, slow, painful death. Like I said fagget, I aint hard to find, so next time you feel like talking shit, why don’t you be a man and do it to my face? You fucking dirty little cunt, dont ever let me catch you write anything about Nicole again… You better start shitting me Tiffany fucking cufflinks real soon fagget, before you really piss me off.
Collapso says
You really won’t get into heaven using language like that.
Euan says
John Davis
Don’t think this article was meant to offend you, pal.
“Why don