Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the coronation of Naya Rivera, henceforth known as Queen of the Rebound Relationship.
Or whatever coronations sound like. The Glee star married fellow actor Ryan Dorsey last Saturday, only three short months after calling off her engagement to Big Sean. Not to question the course of true love or anything, but can anyone in attendance confirm that there was a large double-barreled shotgun pointed directly at the grooms head?
Actually, the couple have been friends for four years, so it sounds like it’s a case of “If neither of us are married by we’re 27, we’ll marry each other”. I know most people set 40 as the age limit on their backup, but this is Hollywood, if you aren’t on your third marriage by age 35 then you’re doomed to fade into obscurity. A girl’s gotta rack up those diamond rings!
The couple made it official on a beach in sunny Cabo San Lucas, Mexico surrounded by close family and friends. Pfft, that sounds okay, I guess. It’s no Weston-Super-Mare, but it sounds nice enough.
They confirmed the news to People Magazine – the celebrity version of a Facebook newsfeed – by saying :
“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife…Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”
I don’t know, “fated” sounds like they both turned up to the beach at the same time wearing black tie, and happened to hold a conversation right in front of an ordained surfer or something. Which is still more plausible than her deciding to spend her life with a guy she’s spent so little time dating that there isn’t a single proper picture of them together on Google Images.
This is pretty much the only decent photo of the pair together, it was posted on Naya’s Instagram the day they got married and involves a pissing horse. They might want to crop it for the Announcements section of their local paper. If those five blurry pixels aren’t enough for you to pass judgement on what the new Mr Rivera looks like, here’s a better one:
The polar opposite of Big Sean, but to each their own. Their marriage has already lasted four days, so as far as quickie weddings go it’s already edging into boring territory. Britney was drunk, married, annulled and onto the next one in less time, so four days is practically enough time for an eternity ring.
Congratulations, you crazy kids. Same time next year for the next wedding?