Natalie Portman: Why I Became An Enfeebled, Lentil-Eating Vegan Wuss
Natalie Portman is a vegan, which is both good and bad. The good news is that you could easily lure her into bed with a plate of Chile Non Carne and a couple of Linda McCartney sausage rolls.
The bad news is that she’ll never shut up about it. Natalie Portman is such a vegan, in fact, that she’s written a blog on The Huffington Post about why she became a vegan. And generally it’s a reasoned, well thought-out essay about a personal choice that she made long ago.
Apart from the bit where she compares all meat-eaters to rapists. Obviously.
Vegetarians and vegans have every right in the world to be angry. For starters, they eat Quorn, and you’d be angry too if every meal you ever ate tasted exactly like a week-old Pot Noodle. Secondly, the leader of the vegetarians is Paul McCartney, which has led most people to believe that if they stop eating meat they’ll wind up looking like a confused old lady in a silly wig. Thirdly, they all stink of beans.
So, yes, vegetarians and vegans have every right in the world to be angry. It’s just a shame that their severe protein deficiencies never allow them the energy to express their anger.
Until now. And it’s all thanks to Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman is a vegan, which doesn’t just mean that she follows the vegetarian model of not eating anything with a face – she also won’t eat any animal products at all. So that means no eggs, no milk, no honey, no gelatin and no gigantic greasy pile of flambeed pig genitals. She’s missing out, in short.
And, of course, like any other vegan Natalie Portman became a vegan for a reason. Some turn vegan because they don’t support modern farming methods, or because they believe that the livestock industry is ruining the environment, or because they believe that it’s generally a healthier way of living. Not Natalie Portman, though – she became a vegan because she read Jonathan Safran Foer’s Eating Animals and realised that if you’ve ever eaten meat or an egg or some honey then you’re basically as bad as awful rapist. Or something. Here’s what she wrote for The Huffington Post:
[Foer] reminds us that being a man, and a human, takes more thought than just “This is tasty, and that’s why I do it.” He posits that consideration… which has more to do with being polite to your tablemates than sticking to your own ideals, would be absurd if applied to any other belief (e.g., I don’t believe in rape, but if it’s what it takes to please my dinner hosts, then so be it).
Gosh, and we thought we were tactless. Of all the choices she had available to her (“I don’t believe in wearing funny hats,” “I don’t believe in shouting everything in an overbearing Welsh accent,” “I don’t believe in high-fives”) she just had to go with rape. Nice one, Natalie.
Still, we’re sure her intention – as thoughtless as it was – was well-meaning. And, despite all the knee-jerk cries from around the internet saying that you’re either some sort of dreadful rape apologist or that you want to impose mandatory chemical castration for anyone who’s ever been within 20 feet of a Cornish pasty, we’ll still endorse you, Natalie. Specifically, we’ll still go and see all your new movies and then deliberately fall asleep five minutes in when it becomes clear that you aren’t going to take your top off.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
So wait, is it not OK to have sex with meat? Does the meat have to consent now? Does this article actually have anything to do with meat sex of have I completely missed the point?
I find vegans and vegitarians self rightous and boring.
And we don’t want to have sex with you because meat causes impotence.
I don’t have sex with you becuase you’re trite and boring.
This is why I stopped being a vegetarian.
I got tired of telling people, “No Thanks. No really, I don’t want any, thank you……I’m a vegetarian.” Then they look at me like “Whaaaaaaat?!” or ask me why, why, why. Meh. I stopped eating meat, get over it, you can eat my portion, you should be happy and NO i’m not interested in converting you to a vegetarian so stop asking me to explain it. :p
So yeah, I got tired of explaining it. I guess people associate vegans/vegetarians with activists.
That’s funny, Joe, because I find ovo- lacto- carnetarians like you self-righteous and boring, not to mention defensive and ignorant. This article is a great example of that.
And BTW, Dear Stuart Heritage, Macca is a vegetarian, not a vegan. Do your research. Much as I adore the guy, he loses points with me for that.
I raped a lamb then, the other night, lovely little grilled lamb chops, on the rare side. Accompanied by a nice little Chianti. nom nom nom
Feeling a bit Hannibal Lector-ish melded with Tarquin. Perfect for Halloween.
What a bunch of drivel. She never said that meat eaters are as bad as rapists. Get your head out of your ass and stop strewing words.
Anti-vegan hatred/bashing is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced. Self-righteousness is always unattractive, no matter what the reason for it. And the sad truth is that there are millions of perfectly happy, healthy and not in-your-face vegans out there who you’re tarnishing with the same brush ‘o’ hate. They won’t judge you if you don’t judge them – and only one half supports stuff like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIjanhKqVC4). Funny old world really.
Having said all that, I’m probably making the big mistake of feeding the troll here, but oh well.
Jenny, agreed… Hecklerspray just generalized vegans as:
1. eaters of week-old food? I eat fresh food…
2. Bean smelling??? Where do you get this stuff??
3. Protein deficient? Seriously? SERIOUSLY never met one who is…but i know plenty of people who have more than enough.
and this site says its for Grownups?…
Regarding the rape thing: enough already! You’ve obviously taken Natalie’s sentiment out of context, along with the rest of the vegan bashing community. Is there a difference between shades of evil? Is one worse than another.. rape, torture, murder, etc.?
The shame is that we have a different standard for how we treat animals vs. how we treat other people. Would be such a shame to hear victims compete for who has suffered the greater injustice. As a friend of rape victim, i tell you that the victims of violent crime are the strongest advocates for victims of any other.
Let love rule.
Thank you davidk! I was baffled to read the bean smelling (immature??) and protein deficient comment — seriously in this day and age with all the information out there.. to be saying such dated myths.
Natalie Portman signed the “Free Polanski” petition.
That is all.
hi i’m a vegan bodybuilder and believe i could probably kick your combined meat eating asses – yes at the same time
here’s a pic of me with my shirt off:
http://www.veganbodybuilding.com/profile_avi_3.jpg
my ass-kicking stats:
http://www.veganbodybuilding.com/?page=bio_avi
and some of my enfeebled, lentil-eating, wuss friends (we faint from weakness often):
http://www.veganbodybuilding.com/?page=bios
Hey
I’m a fellow veg head and your post cracked me up so bad especially when you open the picture and your the size of a sasquatch, thanx for making my day and these ignorant bastards eat their words with their toxic meat.
ps. i forgot to mention i’m nearly 50 years old, although with my waify lentil diet i don’t know if i’ll live to see 51
Nope not self-rightous at all. I’m TOTALLY mistaken.
not that my post indicated anything other than i’m an annoying cocky bastard who pisses vinegar, but i am self-righteous
self-right·eous
1. Piously sure of one’s own righteousness; moralistic.
2. Exhibiting pious self-assurance
which is ok when you’re right
i am piously sure of my own righteousness when it comes to dietary choices
On my first read, I thought the author was an angry, sarcastic vegan making fun of people who heckle vegans.
But he forgot “get picked on in gym class” and “can’t get a girlfriend”.
the reason why vegans get under the skin of meaters is that meaters know we are soooo right – deep down where it counts that is
The author obviously didn’t read Portman’s post, otherwise he couldn’t be writing so much BS. If you are going to get angry at people, save your energy for politicians and right wing commentators like Glen Beck, not for someone who’s just expressing a compassionate view of the world.
Natalie will do well with the transition as will the other ladies. They will adapt to any Welsh oddities with aplomb. I am not sure that they will be ready for the rapidity of the change in my accent, but ladies love a challenge. By the way, these colonies really suck ass.
“Joe”
I’m a vegan and I’ll kick your ass just so you have something other to think about besides your tired vegan stereotypes.
Avi you are scaring me and I really don’t scare easily.
What does avi stand for? Animalistic Vegan Imbecile? Wow I thought the Neanderthal age had ended. I never get anything right. Boo.
Letil-eating ? did you mean Lentil ? PAHAHAHHA.
You know, there’s nothing worse than an angry self-righteous vegetarian than an angry ignorant meat-eater.
totally wasn’t worth the read.
Quorn isn’t vegan, you fool.
I’ve changed my mind. You vegans can stay. More veal for me! Rabbit too. Now you’ll have to excuse me I’ve got to put on my baby seal apron on to BBQ some steak. But first I got to drive my Hummer down to the store and get some charcoal.
Ugh meat eaters. Can someone just turn the tables on them? I wonder how they would feel if we kept a human female preggo just to get her milk? Would that be cool or would it be criminal and rape?
I’d like to commend Melodie for the best point made in the fewest words.
Although it’s always hilarious when Celebrities who feel they are important enough to “inform us” about “issues” contradict themselves.
I made the previous post before actually reading avi’s narcissitic sports-pimp post.
Pump those guns baby! We’re sure it must have been awful that your parents didn’t show you enough attention when you were a child. But please, stop looking for attention from the rest of us, eh? ‘Cause we generally dont give a shite for how you look with or without a top on.
Also, I fully expect to see some internet joker posting Avi’s shirtless images to a “honcho” themed site soon.
Lol.
Curious thought, aren’t vegtables ‘alive’ aren’t you eating them before they had a full life? I mean you’re eating them while they are still growing. If the trees have spirits in them doesn’t that mean a carrot has a little spirit in them? If you’re eating an apple aren’t you eating the child of a tree? Those poor apple children!
All thats left is water and sand that is safe to consume without killing anything.
I don’t know about killing, Joe, but every time I gargle water I like to think that I’m giving a captive a blowjob. Might save me from a river-drowning later in life – you know, like a prison favour.
and don’t even get me started on the mythological pitfalls of playing in sand…
The missing word in that disaster was ‘Kelpie’.
(I must stop trying to be all 2.0 and that)
So even the water is alive. Thats it then… to be the most green, carbon neutral, non killing, earth loving person you can’t eat or drink anything!
Another Heritage homerun! Hahahahaha the world is full of crazy! And you can keep my human female preggo self just to get my milk any old time you want!
I’ll bring the cookies and the choclate syrup!
Deal
Julias, you offering yourself as a true milk filled human offering is so touching! Bless you for your giving self.
JoeMomma’s bringing cookies and chocolate syrup having me feeling I must think of something to contribute. Sadly, I’m at a loss…