What’s the best thing about Natalie Portman? Her constant determination to take on one challenging role after another?
Her fierce political activism? Her intellectualism? No, you idiots. The best thing about Natalie Portman is probably the way that she looks quite nice when she wears pretty dresses. Look at her, all pretty in a lovely frock. She looks like a fairytale princess. What a lovely, pretty, lovely little princess Natalie Portman is. Why, if she didn’t waste her time by thinking about things so much, she’d be perfect. She’d be our pretty, lovely, lovely little perfect princess in her lovely pretty perfect dress.
Anyway, here’s lovely Natalie Portman in a lovely red dress at the premiere of her new film, which is about swans or something. It doesn’t matter, though, because it’s a good excuse for her to walk up and down in a pretty dress, which is what she’s best at. Not acting. Or thinking. Stupid Natalie Portman.
It goes without saying that Natalie Portman’s greatest achievement to date is her role in Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, because she got to wander around with her eyes all big looking adorable and she didn’t have to think about things very hard. It’s so much better than films like Brothers or Closer, where she spoilt things by being subtle and morally ambiguous. Ugh.
Anyway, apparently Natalie Portman’s new film The Black Swan is almost as good as Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. It’s so good, in fact, that following its premiere at the Venice Film Festival this week, some say that she might even win an Oscar for it. That’s great news! It means that the Oscars are so impressed with Natalie Portman that they’ll introduce a brand new category – for Loveliest Princess In A Lovely Pretty Dress – just so she can win something.
But what’s The Black Swan about and, more importantly, how many lovely pretty dresses will Natalie Portman get to wander around looking pretty in? CBS reports:
In Contention’s Guy Lodge called the film “boldly deranged and beautifully despairing.”?Screen International’s Mike Goodridge said “Portman is captivating… Like Catherine Deneuve in “Repulsion” or Mia Farrow in “Rosemary’s Baby,” she captures the confusion of a repressed young woman thrown into a world of danger and temptation with frightening veracity.”
What? Confusion? Danger? Despairing? Captivating? This is no good. No good at all. It sounds like The Black Swan isn’t going to contain any lovely pretty dresses at all. And Natalie Portman probably isn’t even going to wink and blow a kiss at the audience, not even once. God, we hate The Black Swan.
Alex Sheppard says
How can YOU hate The Black Swan? I thought her and Mila Kunis’ character got it on in the film?
HollywoodGuy says
She is pretty!