From the bulging mailbags and comments we receive, it appears the three blokes and Matt Bellamy who make up Muse are the greatest band in the world.
In terms that even a simpleton could understand, Muse are like the Jesus H. Christ of music. Everything they belt out is phenomenal and lapped up by their disciples, otherwise known as their super massive nutter of followers.
Even though the group have don't do anything particularly exciting, they still have a dedicated bunch of fans willing to testify that a recording of Matt Bellamy crying is audio gold. Fair play if you'd be willing to fork out ?50 for a 7? copy of it, but when it comes to physical sales, the Cornish band aren't leading the way in sales. They?ve only been beaten by someone that Muse fans would consider unrock n? roll, Susan Boyle.
We've never had one of those religious experiences that people often report of having when close to death. When this does happen, the term ?angelic? is often thrown around. How do we know what an angel sounds like? It's something that has always confused us. The mental image drilled in to our mind is of someone wearing a white bed sheet with eyeholes poked out whilst singing in a high pitched tone.
So that's basically a ghost that's been kicked in the testicles then?
For a guaranteed way of selling records, just slap a sticker on an album with something saying ?the voice of an angel? or if you're feeling cheeky, ?a literal slice of heavenly pie.?
Even though Susan Boyle has the voice of a fictional creature, the Scottish singer has the looks of a gargoyle that has been run over and then beaten repeatedly with a stick [she’d fit in at the ‘spray bedsit just fine, obviously – Ed.]. Given her mental temperament, the two compliment each other well.
Some Music Mag Who Didn’t Invite Us To Their Award Ceremony give the lowdown on the surprising statistics that show people still bother buying albums:
?Newly-announced figures show that her second album ‘The Gift’ sold 3.7 million copies abroad last year. She beat second place Sade, whose ‘Soldier Of Love’ album sold 2.3 million. ‘Sigh No More’ by Mumford and Sons is third in the list, selling 1.3 million copies abroad, while Muse’s ‘The Resistance’ sold one million.?
we're amazed that the hardcore Muse fan haven't raided the bins of the band and created an effigy of their heroes in order to gain them some sales through the power of voodoo.
It just gets worse for poor Muse doesn't it? You can forgive Susan Boyle for kicking their arse due to exposure from Youtube, but getting owned by terrible folk act Mumford and Sons? That's worse than having your nipples sawn off with a bread knife and reattached with barbed wire. Mumford & Sons make songs so twee and dire than a loud fart would send them hurtling in to an pylon.
This year, Matt Bellamy has taken the tedious celebrity marriage route which will presumably gain him more coverage and further overshadow the rest of Muse.
BECAUSE HE’S LIKE TOTALLY AMAZING AND SHIT.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
gilbert wham says
They’ve finally given up & taken their ball home, then? Bah.
Ted says
what exactly is your point?
Jonathan says
Wow putting down Muse and Mumford and Sons in the same post??? Dude take a Prozac and go back to listening to your Beiber and Jonas Bros rotation on your Mp3 cause it is clear that you have no understanding of what quality non comercialized music is. In fact you are embarassing yourself and showing an IQ of room tempiture…