Creator of The X-Files TV series Chris Carter has told anyone who’ll listen that this new movie adaptation will not be about aliens, the government, Tunguska, or in any way mention The Lone Gunmen.

What Chris is trying to say is that The X-Files: I Want To Believe, will not be the load of old tripe we’re expecting; this despite the reoccurring cast of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson apparently being past their pin-up days and Billy Connelly appearing on screen for more than five seconds.

The plot, for all the spindly details we shall divulge, revolves around Connelly’s Father Joe character, the two tarnished former FBI agents reuniting (in the sack!) and something excitingly weird going on in the snow. There’s kidnapping too, we’ll tell you that much.

Pity then that after eight, long years of not waiting and happily getting on with our lives, this X-Files re-boot is a bigger disappointment than parenthood. Except Ms Anderson – she still looks fine enough to spread on toast – but even she can’t save this mess. Everything appears to happen via staggering coincidence or ‘just because’. Carter’s motto must be ‘If in doubt, write it anyway’.

To call the movie an extended episode would be an insult to the memorable episodes out there. Remember how good Tombs, Nisei or The Host were? Yeah, well they’re nothing like I Want To Believe. The central (DON’T LOOK KIDS! SPOILER!) ‘body harvesting’ theme is interesting, yet skimmed over during the climax and never properly explained. Now, the show has made its bread and butter out of not explaining things, but rarely to the point of incoherence as it does here.

(SPOILER DO STOP NOW!)

On the plus side, there’s sexy Anderson again, a nifty pursuit through a deserted building and maybe one good scare every half hour. Ultimately though this film ends up like masturbation; enjoyable enough while it lasts, but in the grand scheme of things, a complete waste of time.