Hey! Look! It’s Robert Pattinson! Like a pale Na’vi from Pandora (that’s an Avatar reference y’stinkin’ dolt) he quietly goes about his business with his face and his trousers and hair, making women scream and cum with the merest of bashful glances. The only thing is girls, he’s not going to bite your neck and drain you of blood because a) He’s an actor playing a role and b) You’re hideously ugly. However, you can now stroke the groin of Pattinson without him dry heaving in your face!
The most lifelike Robert Pattinson cost ?150,000 to make… at Madame Tussauds! See what we did there? We effectively said that the real Robert Pattinson is less charismatic than a chunk of carved wax! We’re so droll! You fans of R-Pattz are probably equally envious of our astonishing wit AND furious with us for slighting the coal eyed hunk.
So, a waxwork Pattinson? What would you do with one of those if you could borrow one for the night (presuming it is anatomically correct of course – if not, you could glue one of those vampire vibrators that are being sold online which you put in the fridge so they come out cold and corpse like).
Liz Edwards, a Madame Tussauds spokesperson, said to the Telegraph:
?R-Pattz is one of the hottest celebs on the planet. We are delighted to be able to give them the chance to cosy up with their idol here at Madame Tussauds and judging by the reactions of the first to meet him here this morning he is set to top our ?most kissed list of celebrities very quickly!?
See? Look how stupid people are. Even a motionless, genital-free Pattinson gets the amorous advances of fans. Someone should check the pockets on it to see how many phone-numbers have been slipped in. For the record, Americans, a matching figure of Pattinson is being launched at Madame Tussauds’s New York museum today so you can act like berks as well.
All this Pattinson news comes on the back of the Twilight sequel, which HMV are reckoning is the highest pre-order title of all time. Following on from the weird devotion shown to Buffy, the film has managed to bag itself ?44m in its opening 24 hours at the box office in America.
Sci-fi for girls, clearly.
Alas, you women will have to stop your screaming because last month Pattison confirmed he was dating his co-star Kirsten Stewart after being constantly badgered by people in the press. I hope she’s not playing the ‘professional beard’ card (she’s not, we’re just trying to wind you up).
Not that any of this matters to Pattinson. He’s going so deaf that he can’t even read anymore.
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Arnold says
I am afraid that the girls (not just girl but the cougars too) will skip the temple/church this season and proceed to a new house of worship in London and NY. Your blog is just hilarious. You should publish a book or go on the radio show. Congrats! Some obsessed fans already threaten to melt Stewarts
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Robert for best actor of our time.