The puppy love that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth once shared has officially grown up, humped furniture, bitten the postman, and been sent to ‘live on a farm’.
That’s really just a long-winded way of saying that their relationship is as dead as a doornail. I know we’ve been through this song and dance before, but this time it’s been confirmed by both reps, as opposed to whoever happened to be walking past the Star Magazine offices that week. That’s right guys, it’s like Kim and Kris all over again. We’ll make it through this together.
The couple met in 2009, on the set of the crap-tacular Nicholas Sparks-penned drivel ‘The Last Song’, where they played a couple that spend their spare time telling Simba to remember who he is.
The film spawned a Razzie nomination and the most beautiful partnership since Ben And Jerry. Their official couple’s name was Miam, which is awful, so let’s call them Hemyrus. It’s just as awful, but it’s easier to pronounce and sounds like ‘hemorrhoid’.
They wandered around together for an entire year, walking their pack of dogs and showing off their enviable hair before splitting up and then reconciling barely a month later. That’s barely enough time for Us Weekly to cobble together a cheating rumour and/or drug allegations. They didn’t really need to, because Miley was spotted necking with a hot young actor at her eighteenth birthday party.
Another break up, followed by another make up. They appear at parties and film premieres and Starbucks, still with great hair, and announce their engagement in June 2012 with a fucking huge diamond that costs more than you make in five years.
This is the last known photo of Miley before she was possessed by whatever demon made her decide to become the white Rihanna. She shaved off most of her hair, dyed it platinum blonde and started acting all ghetto, despite the fact the entire world knows that she’s from a rich family in Nashville.
Cue the reports of Liam wanting to dump her because of her hair and wild antics, and then feeling up January Jones on the side. Fair play to him if that one’s true. The Performance That Shall Not Be Named happened, and then, finally, both reps confirmed on Monday that their engagement had been called off for good.
According to sources, Miley was the one to officially yank off the engagement ring, because she couldn’t ignore all the people whispering about Liam sticking it where he shouldn’t. Not that it’s any excuse for cheating, but Miley can’t have been the greatest conversationalist for those last few months – it’s difficult to talk with your tongue constantly lolling out your mouth.
So, another celebrity engagement bites the dust, and we’re forever left wondering exactly how insane that wedding would have been. We’re simply left with this artist’s impression of how Miley would have walked down the aisle…