No, the above picture is not of some weird, dead alien from Prometheus 2. Nope, that right there is Miley Cyrus trying to get her sexy on in her video for “Adore You,” and being about as successful at it as Justin Bieber is at growing facial hair.
Earlier this year, Miley topped Maxim‘s 100 Sexiest Women list and I didn’t really get it, but I could at least kind of accept it. After this video, which is ironically supposed to be very intimate and sensual, I can’t even accept it. Seth Rogen was sexier in the “Bound 2″ spoof.
There is not a single second of this video where I find myself thinking “Oh, Miley looks nice there.” Hell, there isn’t even a single shot where I think “Miley looks alright.” Overall, Milhouse Van Houten has more sex appeal than Miley in this video.
In the video, Miley rolls around in a bed making some sort of weird, solo, Paris Hilton night ray vision sex tape type video, looking like a malnourished twelve-year-old. Then she kind of masturbates in the video, or at least implies masturbation, which officially ruins Hannah Montana for me forever.
It was not on my Christmas wish list to see Miley Cyrus rub one out, but sometimes you get gifts you really don’t want. Like the time my mom got me those sweatpants that said “Angel Baby” across the butt. Just no.
After rolling around in the bed for a while and playing flick the bean, Miley then gets a weird bath in some sort of black dress thing. Riding a wrecking ball? Naked. Cover of Rolling Stone? Naked. In the bath? Clothed. Go fucking figure.
The song itself is kind of a let down, too. I’m all about “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” because those are some hot jams, but this song is kind of just meh. It’s allegedly about Liam Hemsworth which makes it pretty sad, I guess, but if this video was at all made to remind me of what he’s missing out on, it was an epic fail. I have seen sexier Limp Bizkit videos, and heads up? Fred Durst is gross. Remember like a decade ago when he was telling people he was banging Britney Spears? Gross.
Overall, I give Miley’s “Adore You” video two gags out of five.