Even though he’s one of the biggest pop icons ever in, like, a billion years, Michael Jackson still remembers the little people. He doesn’t just cater to the uber-wealthy to whom he charged $3,400 to shake his curiously alabaster hand in Tokyo, Japan. He also gives the poor a chance to curse grace themselves with his touch for a mere $130 per handshake.
This may seem like the work of a total whack-job with a god complex to you, but we think it’s totally worth it, because after Michael Jackson heals the world with his touch, then you get to hear him sing. Okay, so, you have to listen really closely and quickly because he’ll probably only muster the strength to utter a few syllables like he did in Tokyo last week, but that was because all of his divinity was sapped from touching so many underlings. Still, it’s totally worth it.
However, it does seem a tad odd that someone would pony up that much money to touch anyone’s skin other than Bono’s – we heard that he can heal the gout with a single touch, so we’re saving up to go see him – especially skin that looks like the texture of cold, raw chicken skin. It’s probably just as likely to be carrying salmonella, too. Oh, well. People spend exorbitant amounts of money on stupid stuff all the time. Seriously, why else would they have those Sky Mall magazines on the plane that sell stuff like doggy slippers that dispense vodka, and whatnot?
We’re trying to decide why Michael Jackson charged his fans so much for a physical encounter – no, not that kind of physical encounter, you dirty-minded sickos. We took the unnecessary liberty of coming up with a few theories:
a) The natural oils found on human skin will cause Michael Jackson's questionably human skin to disintegrate if touched too much.
b) Michael Jackson is trying to earn enough money to buy back his llamas and snow cone machine from Neverland Ranch because Macaulay Culkin refuses to have another sleepover until he does.
c) Michael Jackson is looking to buy a new balcony from which to dangle babies.
d) Michael Jackson knows he’s already an easy target for mocking naysayers like us, so why not throw another log on the fire?
In reality, it’s probably a combination of the above theories. In the meantime, we’ll just sit back and enjoy the show.
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Rik says
pft