Towards the end of his dog-eared career, Michael Jackson began to resemble an eerie looking clown who’s wax face was tarnishing in a mild midday heat. See, we can say that because that's our opinion. But if you go to a concert by not-so-important Jackson sibling Janet, that right will be taken from you.
Due to popular media such as Twitter and Facebook, a group of Pete Doherty poetry loving twerps can use the power of the internet to raise their voice and stick it to the man. Yer! Peace for all and freedom for those in Tibet ? all planned over a sweatshop produced laptop whilst sipping on a Grande Latte with cinnamon swirls, lemon shots and organic camel milk.
But if you dare comment on Michael Jackson having a wonky nose at a Janet Jackson gig you may face the wrath of Joe Jackson who?ll chase you with his famous beating belt. Or as he called it, the ?dancing encourager.? But why would Janet Jackson stop us from voicing our opinion? Surely it has nothing to do with the ongoing trial of ?Sexy? Dr. Conrad Murray? Oh.
Janet Jackson wasn?t part of the recent tribute show in Cardiff where the line up was effectively a pick of the best from X-Factor ? if you can call them that. Who wouldn't want to shell out a load of cash to see JLS, Alexandra Burke and the one that covered a Snow Patrol song? You know, she looks like a horse. Gutted you missed out? Who wouldn't be, as La Toya Jackson came out of retirement to sing songs that nobody knows!
But why didn't Janet perform? Did she feel threatened about being outperformed by Craig David or the show?s emotionless presenter Fearne Cotton? Don't be daft, Janet has how own career as well (supposedly). And she’s touring! Whoop-de-doo!
Amazingly, it isn't billed under the title ?Janet Jackson: Not As Good As My Brother Michael Tour,? but the flashier sounding ?Number Ones, Up Close And Personal.? Somebody call Anne Robinson over at Watchdog, we can't think of a single number one that Janet has had. That’s about as believable as the time Michael said he wasn?t addicted to painkillers.
Now, we're a little confused; how would security monitor gig goers? In theory it mightn?t be overly difficult on the face of it as we all know that roughly eight people turn up to an average Janet Jackson gig. After some vague research, it appears that Janet is referring to a support act comedian who's touring with her. Strict stipulations of the concerts state that:
?The comedian will not make any reference to Janet Jackson or the Jackson family; although that means that any comedian sharing the stage with the singer will also be gagged against any gags aimed at Tito, Jermaine et al, it’s clear that in the current climate it’s her late brother’s name that Janet is keen to spare. Janet is currently playing in Australia where she’ll remain until mid-November when switching to South Africa.?
Aren't there only three cities in Australia? Because the country is more of a giant land mass containing only rocks, sand and dingo?s eating the natives children, more time will be spent travelling for Janet and her entourage than performing.
But hey, now that the freedom of speech issue has been cleared up, you're now free to attend a Janet Jackson gig and discuss your own opinions as loudly as you want. Was Michael really a man who liked to slip children the odd glass of Jesus Juice to ease them into one of his super duper special hugs?
Or did he attempt to peel back Bubble?s foreskin to see his special monkey banana? Neither of them are with us now, so we?ll never know.
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Who_are_you says
Womp womp womp. Does anybody even read from this site? O_o Janet Jackson makes $475,000 A show…how much does this website make..yeah I thought so. Janet’s WINNING!
Si Sharp says
She’s actually had more singles that didn’t quite make the top spot in the charts but it was felt that for some reason not as many people would buy tickets to see Janet Jackson’s Number Twos Up Close and Personal.
Si Sharp says
Now I’m not saying JJ isn’t a big selling artist in her own right, but it is a bit weird that her last two tours were called ‘Numbers Ones’ and ‘Rock Witchu’. Those names seem terribly familiar to me. I’m sure someone else had an album and a single that sounded a bit like those.
Nonplussed says
Actually, for someone with a teensy weensy ickle voice she’s done not badly for a surprisingly long time.
JR says
Oh Matthew –
You are quite the character. The whole “attempt to peel back Bubble
Sanity says
It’s not a thing of “Freedom of Speech”, it’s a thing of not being a complete douche rocket. Which one would be for making jokes about Janets brother at her own concert, and even further, one would be for writing this piece of crap “article”.
Out of says
Out of all of that the funniest part was your term of Matt being a creative writer. We all know his abilities are more along the lines of a sedated hamster stuck on the wheel. He just tumbles around and around until an idea falls out of his ass. The only thing funnier would have been if you had called Janet talented.
Jay says
What an ass, get a life you freak!
Cookie Monster says
Bubble’s is still alive, so far as the Internet says. The monkey was smart enough to not get jacked-up on painkillers. In any case, he ain’t talking.