If one positive has come from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s probably the fact that it’s made Joe Jackson famous again.
Because, unequivocally, that man is a hero. Joe Jackson proved that, armed with little more than steely focus and a refreshing openness to emotional and physical torment, any normal child can transform into a quivering, tragic, drug-addicted megastar. And after Katherine Jackson was awarded custody of Michael Jackson’s children, everyone secretly hoped that Joe Jackson would work his magic on them, too.
But it’s not to be. Joe Jackson has promised to only intermittently visit and/or terrify the children. Spoilsport.
If all 80-year-olds were more like Joe Jackson then the world would be a much more productive place. Admittedly it’d also be a much more violent place, to the extent that everyone under the age of 80 would be afraid to ever leave their house for fear of getting beaten up, but mainly it’d be more productive. Just look at Joe Jackson, for example. He’s always working.
Why, just three short days after the tragic death of his most famous son, Joe Jackson was out on the streets telling anyone who’d listen about his new hip-hop recording project. Insensitive? Well, yes, obviously. But productive? That too, probably.
And it’s this monomaniacal determination to piggybck on the success of others that was going to fix all this Michael Jackson mess. After all, rumour had it that Joe Jackson was toying with the idea of whipping Michael Jackson’s three grieving children into becoming a brand-new best-selling pop act called The Jackson Three. It was a genius idea – the children would have a project to take their minds off their dead father, the group would clearly make a lot of money and Joe Jackson would be able to get his good old beatin’ stick out of storage.
Katherine Jackson getting custody of Michael Jackson’s kids seemed like the last piece of the puzzle, too, because then Joe could just pop round at any time and terrify them into dancing better. But it’s not going to happen – Joe Jackson has officially stated to a Los Angeles court that he’s not going to be anything like a guardian to the kids, as NME reports:
Joe Jackson wrote, “I have had a close family relationship with these grandchildren since their birth. I do visit the family residence from time to time and will continue to do so, however I will not be involved in raising the children.”
As sad as it is that The Jackson Three will probably never happen happen now, it might be best for the kids in the long run. After all, they’ve gone through one hell of an upheaval and right now they need the loving stability that only comes from living with a very old woman who none of them have any direct genetic connection with whatsoever.
As for Joe Jackson? A little thing like this isn’t going to get him down. And we’re sure that we’ll see proof of that in the coming weeks when Joe Jackson launches his new version of The Jackson Three featuring an incontinent old tramp, a horse in a top hat and an acorn.
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Judy Astley says
Can’t quite forgive your split infinitives here, Stuart.
Jx
M.Y. says
Thanks for this bitingly satirical (and hysterically funny) article.
There is only one thing I would take exception to is the line “they need the loving stability that only comes from living with a very old woman who none of them have any direct genetic connection with whatsoever.”
What’s most important is that these kids are raised with love and care regardless of whether they are biologically related to their guardian or not.
LOL: After all, remember Michael was “genetically” related to Joe. Did that fact make a Joe a desirable father??
mst3kster says
I