Hey Mel Gibson! You’re as mad as a shoe filled with giggling fingers! You’ve said dodgy things to policemen, allegedly punched your ex-gal’s teeth out, left a series of unsavoury tapes lying around the place and generally shagged your career so hard that it is now hobbling around and bow-legged like John Wayne.
There must be some way you can make us forget about how insane you are? Maybe by going back to the thing that made you famous in the first place – acting?
What’s that? You’re reviving your career by starring in a film! Great news! What is to be? A dark-thriller where you draw on your personal demons and deliver a creepy, but powerful performance? What? It’s called The Beaver and it sees you getting kicked out of the marital home and going brain-wrong? Really?
That’s right. Gibson plays a chap called Walter Black who is despairingly lonely and abandoned by his family. So, his character does what any normal person would do, which is to communicate to the world via a puppet Beaver. With a rubbish British accent not unlike a bad Michael Caine impression.
If we’re to assume this film is vaguely believable, and that a broken man can find redemption by talking to everyone via a Beaver, then we can only hope that the line between reality and fiction is blurred and that somewhere, right now, Mel Gibson is talking to a lawyer about his court case with Oksana Grigorieva while dressed like Bernie Clifton as an ostrich.
Only without the expletives and racial slurs, eh?
The film is set to be released next spring, which coincidentally, will be timed just as courts look to resolve the custody battle that Gibson is currently embroiled in. There’s been delays on the release of the film for supposed reshoots, but mutterings from Tinseltown suggest that there’s been tension on set, probably from the other actors not wanting to work with Mel Gibson because he’s as mad as a talking hammer.
That’s not to mention the set-up of the film.
The film’s producers, apparently, don’t know what to do with this Jodie Foster-directed movie. How do you promote a film that stars a mad man playing the character of someone who is… er… crazy in the brains?
It’s worth pointing out (for legal reasons) that Gibson’s lawyers deny that he was ever violent towards Grigorieva and that she’s trying to blackmail money out of the actor. We know this because hecklerspray attended a press-conference about it all where Gibson’s lawyer relayed information to us via Keith Harris and Orville.
Anyway, if you think we’re making all this up, have a look at the trailer for the film. It’ll make you feel like the universe is folding in on itself.
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Johnny P! says
Hey Mof,
Thanks for the laugh-out-loud (and immensely quotable) metaphors that you’ve been peppering your articles with.
I was starting to miss those from the ol’ Spray. Was it Stuart Heritage who used to cover BGT? (Sorry, but I never used to read the writers’ by-lines, just the articles). His descriptions of what Piers Morgan sounded like whenever he opened his mouth were priceless (my all-time favourite being “…all I could hear was the sound of a snail sucking syrup though a carboad tube. Underwater.”
Now I can add “mad as a shoe full of giggling fingers” to my lexicon… with due credit to the source of course.
Keep up the stellar work, and please: More Crazy Metaphors!
Cheers!
buddy says
fuck you jew