Justin Bieber is barely legal, already richer than God, and has an army of tween girls who would murder for him. Literally! He is also a dumb ass. And kind of a dick. Truthfully, the only person he can blame for this revelation is himself ? when he invades our late night TV shows and grown up magazines, he offers up the shittiest sound bytes only a primo douche bag could muster. And for those of us who aren’t Beliebers, it’s not something we can easily dismiss just because he’s got nice hair and sings pretty.
I scoured the interwebs to bring you the most absurdly moronic?quotes by Justin Bieber, the asshat extraordinaire-head. And honestly, now I am dumber because of it.
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See?
Let's begin with this little gem from Rollercoaster Magazine, in which he shares his medical opinion on? Prince William?s hair?:
I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?
Oh, for fuck?s sake. What? Dr. Justin, I know this is going to be difficult for you to comprehend, but some people don't give a shit about hair. You know? Like, their careers aren't delicately balanced on whether or not their hair looks a certain way. I know — it’s hard to believe that a person could live a happy, fulfilling life despite having thinning hair. It’s a crazy world we live in!
Justin offers consolation to fathers of little girls suffering from the disease that is Bieber Fever in this video:
Here’s a transcript, in case you can’t Youtube on the clock. Damn the man!:
Hey Dad, it's Justin, your daughter wanted us to chat. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, I mean I get it, I'm a huge mega star, I got a full head of hair?
But it could be a lot worse. Think about it. Guys her age? Well, remember when you were her age? Yeah, exactly? I'm a great distraction. She won't even think about him and someday you might even thank me.
So next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It's better than hearing her scream ?Joey? who lives next door. Am I right?
No, Bieberoni. In this instance (and in most instances, since you brought it up), you are not right. While every father could agree that he doesn't want his baby girl rubbing fuckparts with the neighbor kid, I'm pretty sure he'd still prefer that to his daughter having delusional daydreams about the twinky singer with the hair (you, I’m talking about you). I imagine when a dad walks in on his 14 year old making out with her life-size poster of Justin (measuring ~4 feet tall ? BURN!), he wonders to himself where he went wrong. One thing’s for certain: he’s not wishing that there was just SOME WAY he could ever possibly thank you for being the object of his daughter's unrequited love. Sorry, JB, but much like your next album, I’m just not buying it.
Unfortunately, Bustin Jieber went on to say the following to GQ:
I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult.
This is probably the most idiotic comment my eyeballs have ever seen. They’re so mad at me for making them read it that they’re not even talking to me right now. Now don’t throw me that “Eyeballs don’t talk” attitude — you do things your way, I’ll do things mine, okay?! Anyway, as Justin reminded us, he’s 18. And yet, he barely has any armpit hair. Or pubes. Unwanted body hair is an intricate part of being an adult! Also, if you say you’re swag (or god forbid “swaggy”) isn’t that a clear indication that you are not, in fact, swag? And since we’re on the subject of “swag,” can we all agree that this word was a mistake? Let’s just pretend it never happened and promise to never use it again, k?
The Biebs on his amazing ability to alter people’s lives via inspirational Tweets:
People write to me and say, ?I'm giving up, you're not talking to me.? I just write them a simple message like, ?Never give up,? you know? And it changes their life.
While I understand the concept ?Never give up,? I do NOT think it should apply to a fan’s unrealistic borderline psychotic fantasy of getting in touch with a pop star. Right? This is more or less encouraging stalkers to keep on creepin? on. Because there's hope, ya know? Never give up, for one day Justin will realize that you're the girl of his dreams and you will finally be together for ever and ever and ever? Dreams really do come true! Never give up.
Justin explaining his stance on drugs to tells Rolling Stone:
Are you curious about cutting off your finger? Do you want to know what that feels like? To me, taking drugs is the same type of thing. In the end, all that happens is you get hurt by it.
Ah, c’mon man! Don’t compare drugs to cutting off a finger. That’s just silly. We all know what happens when you cut off your finger: blood, pain, asking yourself “Now why the hell did I do that?” and you should probably put that sucker on ice so you can get it reattached. Drugs, on the other hand, are a mystery. A really cool, feel-good mystery that can take you on a journey that only an altered state can offer. I met the Pink fucking Panther once, Justin. I bet even you with your fancy life and money never met him and that was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And you know what? I couldn’t have done it without my friend LSD. So you watch what you say about drugs, okay?! But yeah, kids, for real — don’t do drugs, stay in school, etc.
He explains to V Magazine that he doesn’t have to go to church because he’s extra tight with God:
A lot of people who are religious, I feel like they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I am not trying to disrespect them at all, you know, whatever works for you; but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don't have to go to church. I haven't been to church in a long time, but I know I have a relationship with Him. People can be like, ?If you don't go to church, what do you mean, how are you a Christian?? But I am. I talk to Him, and that's all.
Kidding me with this shit? Look Justin, I don't like going to church either. The fact that it falls on Sunday morning, during the time when I'm already scheduled to be nursing a serious hangover basically ensures that I will not be in attendance. I feel you on the not going to church thing. But don't pretend like you're some enlightened soul who's got some kinda special deal with God so you don't have to do the same stuff that all the other Christians do. I just don’t Beliebe that, Justin! You need to own it, man — you don't go to church because it's boring! And the music is pretty blah. Or if you're like me (doubtful), you stopped going after they swapped out the communion wine for grape juice. That's what I call false advertising and I will not stand for it! NOT W.W.J.D.
You know, all this God talk got me thinking. Maybe we shouldn’t give the little jerk such a hard time. After all, Justy Beebs is just an uneducated, entitled, spoiled, millionaire pop star kid who spouts off his baseless opinions on subjects he really knows nothing about. And there’s something to be said for that. Wait a second. No, never mind — fuck that guy.
Jaime says
You know who should shut the hell up? THE PERSON WHO MASE THIS ARTICLE! Justin works hard for where he is standing on this day! So if you talk Sh!t bout JB he will do the same to you and he has the right to just like me and 10000000 other people. So what if you don’t like him? I love him like other girls !
lallah says
all of you haters are bS so f off! im a biebiever! and i dont care wat you think cuz you r all HATERS!
ILOVJUSTIN says
The writer of this artical is such a fricken FAG!!!!!!!
Saphire says
When u were talking about drugs and church, u just gave alot of reasons why people should do drugs and why they shouldn’t go to church. Plus I’m pretty sure dads would rather their daughters day dreaming about Justin Bieber than rubbing fuckparts with the guy next door. Ur article doesn’t make since. Everything u say is stupid as hell and I’m not even a big fan! Plus, u also forgot to mention all the good things Justin has done. he is more of a good person than bad. Also, if u have faith in God and love him with all ur heart, I don’t think it matters if u go to church or not dumb asses. This is a hateful website. I saw the rest of ur articles to. And i don’t care what anyone as to say about that.
jim says
Maybe you should enlight us on Bushsims
Autumn says
NOW U LEAVE JUSTIN ALONE HE DID NOTHIN’ TO U JUSTIN IS CHRISTIAN AND MAYBE HE DOES HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD DOESN’T MEAN U HAVE TO TALK TO HIM LIKE THT SERIOULY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Autumn says
Thank you at least somebody believes me
Autumn says
ima belieber too
IWILLMARRYJUSTINBIEBER says
i totally agree!
IWILLMARRYJUSTINBIEBER says
me too :)
Jaime says
I agree
dude says
Brittany, you are very brave to write this article, you do know that there is a mob of 10,000 or so 11yo girls out side your door waiting to rip your flesh off your bones. That being said I have seen alot of surveys that say most people over 18 especially males would ra ther stab there eyes out than even look at this kid. I wish the biebs nothing but the best. But I think the poor kid is going to implode before this tour is over. I would blame his puppitier Scooter Braun for pushing this kid on every one . So he can milk every dime out of this kid before he self destructs. This poor kid is showing signs he is stressing out allready. Biebs is not the the most educated person he should read about a subject before comentng . Scooter can’t alway be there putting words in his mouth.
should at least read about a subject before Scooter let’s hin answer any thing by himself.
Allison says
yeah u should b the one to shut the hell up justin is a better person than you i dont think anyone who commented agrees with you so f of
Kia says
Little douche bag should shut up. Selena is mentally ill for bearding for this douche.
MariaDelHorno says
This bitch’s got a big mouth. Lets hope he dies of a heart attack and these bielibers die in an earthquake. Justin is Completely Uneducated Numb Twat.
MariaDelHorno says
Screw him and not going to Church. We do drugs, party all night. (Not that you idiots should do that too.), we have hangovers with one leg in the bath tub and a bottle of Jack, so we don’t have [ample] time for church on Sunday morning.
Person That Wrote Article Sucks says
Agreeed 1000%
katie says
u stfu. u have no idea wha your talking about and people like you just dont have anything else to do. so go try to fid some freinds k? even one would be a serious break through. so the next time you feel like an idiot should stop talking close your own mouth.
katie says
diddo
nina says
i love him to
Bobby says
You’re an idiot. Please don’t write an article again. Please.
Melinda Bieber says
You know should FOR REALS SHUT THE FUCK UP IS THE PERSON THAT WROTE THIS BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE IN MY BROTHER’S SHOES SO SHUT THE DAMN FUCK UP HATERS U JUST JEALOUS CUZ HE GOT MORE SWAGGER DEN U’LL EVER HAVE K THNX
This article sucks - Belieber says
You are ridiculous, this article is stupid. The person who wrote this article is stupid. You can’t take a joke can you? The hair thing WAS A JOKE. And the video for his perfume was meant to be humorous, but I guess a bitter person like you wouldn’t understand. And his comment about god, what does that have to do with you? I agree with what he says 100%, you don’t need to go to church to have a relationship with God. His religious beliefs are none of your business, he wasn’t even being disrespectful he just said that he doesn’t need to go to church to have a relationship with god. Gosh your so stupid, honestly. By the way, you basically dissed Justin because he believes in god? WHY IS THAT A BAD THING? HE’S NOT PRETENDING TO BE RELIGIOUS, HE IS. IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT JUSTIN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT HE REALLY DOES BELIEVE IN GOD. Oh and my Dad would most definitely rather me be obsessing over Justin Bieber then to be having sex with my next door neighbor, clearly you know nothing about Dads. Also, calm down, I’m sure when you were a teenager you said stupid things. Justin Bieber isn’t a Harvard graduate, hes EIGHTEEN and what he was saying wasn’t even stupid. You just spent your time writing an article which is hating on a person who does so much good, and I’m not just saying that because I am a fan, I would list all the charity work and stuff that he does but there is too much, so look it up yourself. Also, your dissing him for talking bad about drugs, he is a role model to millions of girls, do you expect him to say that Drugs feel good? No. Justin is supposed to encourage his fans to not do drugs, seriously your so stupid. Well, I could go on forever about the stupidity of your article but i’m not going to. This is a hate article, and a VERY stupid article. Everything in this article is stupid. Bye.
Demi says
Belieber also!
Isabella says
Im am proud to cal myself a belieber!! I didnt even read the whole thing… I read the first paragraph amd was discusted!! You know his name… NOT HIS STORY DUMBASS!!! But her karmas a bitch…. Amd shes comin after u ????
Gurg says
well, since I only see the opinions of beliebers here, I figured I better say something, because it is well known that being beliebers, theire opinions are only relevant in bieberland, where Mr beaver has 26 million fans living in a universal delusion sharing a mere 1 million copies of his latest album.
Your column was on the spot and a joy to read. With Mr beaver being a never ending fountain of idiocy, I hope that there will multiple parts to this article.
This moron gets WAY too much undeserved praise, the truth about him needs to be told.
Lauren says
Whoever wrote this is just looking for attention. I mean why else would they pick on someone who has over 26 million fans. Most of what you wrote in the article didn’t even make sense, you were trying to make out that Justin is a bad person and shit like that when he has made avalannas dream come true when they thought she didn’t have log to live. You also commented on what he said about drugs, he was stating that they are bad for us but you decide that it’s wrong just cos you’re a druggie. You can’t just judge people when you are not perfect yourself so come back when you grow up and see that whatever you write about Justin, he probably couldnt give two shits, you only made this article to get more people to look at your shitty web page. Another thing how exactly would you know if Justin has pubes or not, must of took you a lot of research to find that out, oh wait no it wouldn’t cos it’s all bullshit and so what if he doesn’t go to church if you hadn’t noticed he kinda has abit of a busy lifestyle so he probably doesn’t have time to go to church but that doesn’t make him any less of a Christian. I hope you actually bother to take time out of your pathetic life to read this and maybe next time get all the correct facts and stop undermining people because of their choices and opinions.
Lauren says
Not all of us are 11 year olds js (: but I do agree with you on a few of the things you said.
taylor says
BELIEBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) <3
Sam says
Whoever wrote this article is a complete legit dumb ass? Justin works hard, loves his fans and donates millions to charity.. And you? His inspired a lot of people & each & everyone has a story.
So GTFO & stop being a fucking gronk.
Chandler Bing says
See if you’re going take a few misconstucted quotes, you should also mention the AMAZING things he’s done. If he’s such a “dick” why is it that at age 9 he played his guitar on the stairs of a theater to make over $3,000 which he then used to take his single, poor mom to Disney world. Or when he was 11 and he had a friend with cancer and hated not having hair so Justin shaved his hair so his friend wouldn’t be alone. Or what about Avalana. The sweet little six year old with a brain tumor and much not longer to live. She’s a huge fan of Justin and so he’s always taking her places and spending time with her. She said she wanted to marry Justin, so he calls her Mrs. Bieber. What about all the things he’s done for his fans? Or all the money he’s donated to people who need it? Sure sounds like a real dick. Whoever wrote this needs to grow up and stop picking on an 18 year old. Say whatever you want, but you won’t ever be at Justin’s level. His fame, his money, his talent or how many women want him. So fuck off.
Someone says
Okay, Okay, Okay. this was incredibly funny to read. thats all I have to say. One of the quotes, about church and Justin just “talks” to him. How stupid can this kid get sometimes?
Great article.
foreverbelieber says
You leave justin alone he is an eighteen year old boy living his dream you should shut the hell up & get a life. This artical os full of shit. Now you keep away from justin.
Demi says
Woah, your a bitch.
Demi says
AMEN,
Your a dick says
What do you mean? Is there something wrong with talking to god? He is religious, get over it. He isn’t saying god actually answers him and he hears gods voice, he means when he prays you dumb shit.
rauhlmahone says
He’s obviously really talented. If he’s not talented,how come he sold out not one,but TWO Madison Square Garden shows in less than 30 seconds and an entire tour in an hour? You don’t know him. He’s way more talented than you. I bet you’re some guy who lives with his parents & just hates on everyone for everything. Would you take a few hours out of your day to go meet children who are dying? Can you sell out 2 MSG shows in less than 30 seconds? Would you have a fake wedding with a really sick 6-year-old who loves you to death? Would you donate to charity? Exactly. You wouldn’t
Your grandma says
This. Was. Just. Stupid…
Ok so “not being very religious” huh? Have you ears his song pray?, did you know that he went to a Christian school?, do you even know how much free time does he have? How can he go to church when he works his ass off every single day!!!, oh and you actually CAN communicate with God by praying and talking to him… Who’s the one who talks “bullish*t” now?… Do you know he donates money to pencils of promise? That’s he’s favorite charity… Him spoiled? Nope, he wasn’t born rich, his mom and him both lived in their grandparents’ house… His parents are separated… Do you know how it feels?… Oh and you just “convinced” people to do drugs with all that idiotic things you said… Your article is irrelevant, such as your hate towards him… If you don’t like him, that’s ok, HE WASN’T BORN TO PLEASE YOU…
Hating won’t make you a better person…
If you think this is a great article, you are very wrong… I’ve never seen such an immature article in my entire life… Ignorant? Yeah, that would be you, we noticed you didn’t do a great research….
Have a nice day!