Matthew Fox – that guy from Lost and the impossibly insipid Party Of Five – has been accused of assaulting a female bus driver. We’re shocked too. We didn’t know women were allowed to get behind the steering wheel of such a large vehicle.
The actor (usually paid to look like he cares) has been detained by police and taken into custody after he saw himself in ‘an altercation’ outside ‘a bar’.
The silly sausage tried to get on a party bus without an invite, prompting those with invites to mock him, leaving everyone else to wonder about which type of scum actually likes being on those awful, awful party buses with their forced fun and miserable see-through clothing.
The driver, Heather Bormann, is claiming that the Lost actor punched her in ‘the breast and stomach area’ after she tried to stop him from climbing aboard the Good Bus Lollipop.
And no, we’re unclear what ‘stomach area’ actually means. Does Bormann have such an extended gut that it contains different area codes? Why don’t we have a look at her Facebook profile to see, eh? It would appear that she is a little on the rotund side, as well as being a big fan of Doberman Pinchers.
That’s nice isn’t it?
Anyway, poor ol’ Heather has decided that she’s going to press charges against Fox. Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re a target. Unless you’re an actual whale, in which case, you should totally expect a harpoon in your face any second now and, furthermore, well done for operating a laptop so you can read hecklerspray. We look forward to seeing your insides spread across a harbour while Japanese men cheer at your intestines.
Where were we?
Oh yes. Matthew Fox punching someone in the stomach area. How exactly did he go about his (alleged) assault?
Bormann says:
‘He just kept staring at me with his mouth wide open and not saying anything’
‘I told him, “You have to leave buddy. You are trespassing on my bus.'”
He then, remarkably;
‘…leaned in and started punching my crotch and breast. I took one hand to his jaw and he was spitting blood. He stumbled backwards.’
Get that? The man from Lost got drunk and punched someone right up the doot-doot. He may have lost his wristwatch then, which is fine because he now won’t have to get furious at the buses being late all the stinkin’ time.
Oh. Fox has been released without charge and is still under investigation.
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Stella says
You missed the whole point of the story: a guy punches a woman’s crotch and breast and she doesn’t even blink, then she takes ONE hand to his jaw and he is spitting blood and stumbles backwards. I knew he was a sissy, that’s the age we are living in: effeminate men and masculine women! I’m picturing the scene as a hilarious gag.