What do women want? They want men who often look mystified by the words coming out of their own mouths when they talk.
Admittedly not all women want that. But Rhea Durham does. And that’s because on Saturday Rhea Durham got married to Mark Wahlberg. And we only wish we’d been there, because that’s the only way we’d have seen which facial expression Mark Wahlberg pulled during the recital of his vows.
Sure, Mark Wahlberg was probably gunning for ‘sincerity’, but this is Mark Wahlberg we’re talking about – we’re guessing his actual face was somewhere between ‘confusion’ and ‘angry nausea’.
We’ll give you the good news first – on Saturday Mark Wahlberg married Rhea Durham in Beverly Hills, possibly marking the happiest moment of his entire life up until this point. And now the bad news – if they decide to go on a luxury honeymoon, there’s a fairly strong chance that Mark Wahlberg might decide to make another film to pay for it.
And not one of those indie films that he’s occasionally tolerable in if it’s an ensemble piece and the director is good at his job – if the honeymoon is big enough he’d need to make a big-budget action movie; the sort of film where all of Mark Wahlberg’s big emotional scenes are characterised by a weird facial expression that you’d only realistically pull if you put a rake through your foot, shat into your own underwear and realised that you’d forgotten to record Top Gear simultaneously. Stupid Mark Wahlberg’s stupid happiness ruining it for everyone.
But anyway, let’s get back to the good news. Mark Walhberg and Rhea Durham got married on Saturday and, if People is to be believed, it was all quite nice:
Wahlberg donned a dark suit and the bride wore a white strapless dress with silver embroidery and a Neil Lane diamond-and-platinum cushion-cut ring complemented by a diamond bracelet and earrings. “She looked like a princess and beyond stunning. Mark looked ecstatic,” says an eyewitness shortly after the ceremony.
But wedding shmedding – everyone knows that people only get married so that they can lose their virginity. So let’s hope that Mark Wahlberg and Rhea Durham’s first time on Saturday night was all that they could have hoped for. Obviously they would have needed to put the three children that they’ve already had together over the course of the last five years to bed before they could get down to it, but we hope it was fun nonetheless.
Oh, we’re only kidding – obviously we’re thrilled for both Mark Wahlberg and Rhea Durham. They’ve already proved themselves to be a stable and loving couple, and this wedding is the cherry on the cake.
Just, you know, don’t go on a big honeymoon or anything. Because if we hear about Max Payne 2 going into production any time soon, we’re going to be awfully disappointed.
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Sunny says
Good Vibrations: a splendid piece of Mark Wahlberg history preserved on the Youtube. Interesting use of chain link fencing included.