Hey, can we get a whoop-whoop out there for Albert Einstein? What about you nerds in the back? A little Albie love? No?? Fine. We’ll just turn to the person we always turn to when we need some mad science props: Mariah Carey.
You see, girlfriend’s got herself a new album coming out in April called E=MC2. Before you get too excited like we did, just know that there probably isn’t anything to do with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity on there.
We took a little listen to the first single, Touch My Body, so we can tell you there’s probably nothing to do with anything on there.
Okay, so maybe we haven’t had a record number of hit songs for a bunch of years in a row like Mariah Carey did, and maybe our legs aren’t insured for a billion dollars like Mariah Carey – the most we could get our legs insured for was about 50 bucks with a pop tart thrown in for the peg leg – but we still give ourselves full ridiculing rights when it comes to Mariah Carey.
And so, we commence with a review of her just released single, Touch My Body. Of course it sucks. It’s not our style. We're not actually 13-year-old girls with little parental supervision smoking behind the school with our bare midriff muffin-topping over our Baby Phat brand jeans. It's left us wondering why we even bothered to listen in the first place. Oh, yeah. The whole ridiculing thing.
We’ve kind of always carried the suspicion that Mariah Carey just wanted millions of crazed fans to rub their grimy, pervy hands all over her, but now she’s just come out and said it. And said it in a pretty studio canned way. See, the thing that was surprising about the song is the fact that Mariah Carey is a talented singer – we recognise the talent, loathe the presentation, alright? – and yet, her voice sounds like it’s received the Ashlee Simpson studio treatment where the voice is altered beyond recognition in an effort to be somewhat bearable to the listener. Maybe the production people are just doing that to all of the singers these days. Could we crank up that effect a notch with James Blunt, please? Thank you.
Anyway, sometimes a song can be saved by the lyrics, sometimes by a catchy tune, and in this case, neither. Here’s a sampling of our favorite set of lyrics. They’re so moving and deep:
If it's a camera up in here
Then its gonna leave with me when I do, I do
If it's a camera up in here
Then I best not catch this flick on youtube, youtube
Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy interview
But this private between you and I
Okay, everybody got that? Mariah Carey’s just laid down the rules for lovin’ her. Tape it? Yes. YouTube? No. And then let’s go gets some Wendy’s afterwards.
And if you're feeling a bit masochistic, or pseudo-street, you can listen to Touch My Body here:
Read more:
mst3kster says
Hmm, maybe Mariah had a colonoscopy…?
Annette Hyde says
That probably would’ve been more interesting, anyway. There aren’t nearly enough songs about invasive tests for the rectum/colon region these days.
gir says
SONG: “Working Where The Sun Don’t Shine” (The Colorectal Surgeon’s Song)
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let’s all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows…
He’ll get you in the end!
Why the colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, “Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant…
By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine!
Norman Swan: Bowser and Blue, whose website is http://www.bowserandblue.com
Annette Hyde says
Well, I stand corrected.
Oh, gir, you are a gem. A GEM, I tell you.
gir says
That’s me; formed in a very dark, high-pressure, high-temperature environment deep inside…uh…
This isn’t what it sounds like.
aLINA nOVAK says
HI MARIAH WAT UP TIS IS YOUR # 1FAN MY FATHER ABSOULUTELY LOVES YOU HE WANTS TO SLLEP WITH
euclid says
Um, Annette, you might want to sit corrected for this one.
Annette Hyde says
Oooh, good call. I sit corrected…on one of those inflatable donut thingies.
Josh says
Why does Mariah keep moving her release date to closely match Madonna’s? The woman is still crazy I guess. A buddy of mine at Rollingstone heard both albums and they all agreed Madonna’s will be a another classic while Mariahs once again plays it safe and is recording the same old stuff like recycing coke cans or something, which is a pity since she does have a nice voice but again so does Madonna so I figure no matter what they record they both will sell regardless,
cheeky says
i think mariah’s album will crush “mad-donna’s” album like how emancipation did with confession. poor madge. move your release date if i were you, make it december. 2020.
gir says
I converse often with people “in the know” at cultural institutions such as ROLLING STONE, maybe you’ve heard of it….
Wait, you’re dropping Rolling Stone as the name most connected to music? Seriously? What the hell is this world coming to.
Scamp says
Better lay off harsh reviews of Mariah. The lambs will go from 0 to testy in 2 seconds in an effort to protect their queen pie wagon.