Madonna. She made a lot of great pop records. A LOT. She’s a successful business woman (when she’s not setting up failed gyms in Mexico) and owns a record label that launched another bunch of stars.
However, one thing she never got right was the movies.
Not that this has stopped her from releasing a new film called W.E. (it’s about Wallis Simpson and blah blah blah) and everyone is expecting a brown trout of a feature. Why does she bother? Let us peer at her terrible movie past.
Of course, Madge will make more money and hangers-on than we’ll ever have, but that’s not to say we can’t see a turd in the bowl when we stumble across one.
And boy howdy, Madonna has been responsible for some howlingly awful flicks in her time.
Does she care? Clearly not. Do her fans? Invariably, they’ll spend their time scouring the internet looking for naysayers to shoot down with a ‘YEAH! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE? SHE GIVES TO CHARITY YOU KNOW?!’
Anyway, here’s a showreel of Madonna showing that she shoulda stuck to singing.
Swept Away
Look! Terrible acting! She’s got the poise and grace of a daddy long legs!
Shanghai Surprise
One of the worst films ever made, period.
A Certain Sacrifice
The only real sacrifice here, is dignity.
Blue In The Face
Something we’ve all felt when shouting ‘stop acting’ at the TV when Madonna treads the boards.
Body Of Evidence (Not Exactly Safe For Work)
Crikey. If you thought Basic Instinct was wooden, this takes the biscuit. And half of Basic Instinct’s plot.
Truth Or Dare
Amazingly, this fly-on-the-waller shows Madonna’s acting at its worst. Listen to her hammed up New Yoik accent.
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Arthur ASCii says
I pity Willem Dafoe having to push his face so far into into her clapped out, arid, malodorous undercarriage as he does about 7 minutes into that Body of Evidence video. I bet she had vultures circling that foetid, torn-up piece of carrion, even back in ’93.
Now there’s a man who can take one for the team in the name of drama.
Nix says
Cannot believe you forgot The Next Best Thing. I smashed my TV and used the shards to slash my wrists in a tub of hot soup while sobbing uncontrollably when that came on last week. Okay, so I didn’t smash my TV. But that movie was the worst. As far as acting goes, though, worst performance winner was a toss-up between Madonna and her gay best friend. Movie must be the reason Benjamin Pratt fell off.