The latest trailer for Machete Kills has hit the internet in a blaze of fire and exploding titties, and also looking a little like one of those fake movie trailers they played at the beginning of ‘Tropic Thunder’.?
It features pretty much every Spanish-speaking mainstream Hollywood star ever, and because it’s the brainchild of Robert Rodriguez, you know it’s going to leave you wondering how it’s possible to pour so much money and starpower into a film and still come away with a B-movie.
If you’re too lazy/busy/uninterested to watch the actual trailer yourself, here’s a quick breakdown of it by someone who has never seen ‘Machete’.
1. Danny Trejo plays Machete, a guy that must be in a lot of trouble – I’m guessing it’s to do with killing people, I don’t think it’s possible to earn the name Machete any other way – but also must be pretty important because Charlie Sheen (or do we call him Carlos Estevez now?) wants to keep him alive. Danny Trejo also plays a guy called Machete in Spy Kids, but I’m not entirely sure if that’s the same character or Robert Rodriguez is just really unimaginative. It could be the same character, because the girl who played Carmen is also in Machete Kills, but this time she’s grown up and wearing leather chaps. And it’s legal.
2. A lot of people get punched. There’s also fire, cars are flipping over and there’s stock audio of gun shots.
3. Lady Gaga’s in it. It doesn’t look like she’s delving into the role too deeply, because she’s wandering around seductively in a sequin leotard, yellow wig and wolf skin. If she was in mom-jeans and a baggy t-shirt, we’d be in business. The audience won’t care though, the main reason this film will do well at the box office will be because of all the ‘little monsters’ queuing up to see the five minutes of screen time she’s been given just to sucker in a younger audience.
4. Michelle Rodriguez wears an eye patch and looks like she’s playing a tough-as-nails bad girl. You know, for a change. She also says ‘taco time’, and I can’t think of any situation where that line would be credible.
5. Sofia Vergara screams unconvincingly and appears to have borrowed Gaga’s exploding bra. How practical is an exploding bra anyway? You’d think it would do more harm to the person wearing it than whoever you’ve had to press yourself against to get close enough to hurt them. It’s not terribly subtle either, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue in this film. Machete seems like the kind of bloke to have a knife or two spare, just borrow one of his.
6. Explosions. More explosions. Typical ‘movie voice over’ that makes you wonder if this isn’t just the biggest episode of ‘Punk’d’ ever attempted. Seriously, this can’t be a real film.
7. They probably all turn into mer-people or yetis or Lindsay Lohan. It’s Robert Rodriguez, after ‘Dusk Til Dawn’, ?there’s got to be some kind of ridiculous twist . Maybe in the very last scene, it cuts away to Quentin Tarantino staring into space. He then angrily balls up a sheet of paper and throws it on the floor with a exasperated sigh of “No one would want to watch that.”
Justin S. says
You do know it’s supposed to be a B-movie, right?
Mj Dixon says
Ah journalism… Why research something when you can make assumptions and then write them down like a 12 year old?