Today is a very, very sad day in entertainment news. A-list Hollywood glamour couple, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson have split up, leaving millions wondering: what went wrong?
Courtney and Doug had a fairytale wedding, marrying when she was 16 and he was 51, and they instantly became worldwide superstars thanks to their good looks, impeccable fashion, enormous talent, unbelievable wit, and, of course, intensely beautiful love.
Of course, I suppose deep down we all knew this storybook romance couldn’t last forever. When Doug married Courtney in May 2011, she was a precious sixteen year old flower, untainted by the world of celebrity. Now, at 19, Courtney star has grown (much like her breasts) and her fame has risen (much like her age), making her not the same underage girl Doug fell for just a couple of years ago.
Above is a photo of Doug and Courtney in happier times. It seems like just yesterday he was a 51 year old K-List actor who was allegedly in “The Green Mile” (even though I don’t remember him being in it) and she was allegedly a high school sophomore who kind of looked like one of those coked up, moderately-priced, middle aged strippers you see sometimes at the club and try not to make eye contact with because they might come over and slur something about how you can barely see their c-section scar anymore and how they’ll give you a handjob for $10 which you agree to because you’re drunk and you feel bad and it ends up being the saddest handjob of your entire life. You know the kind.
A lot of people are assuming that now that Courtney is 19, she has simply outgrown Doug. I, on the other hand, beg to differ. In the past year, Courtney has gotten a boob job and several other cosmetic procedures, AND she’s turned 19, which means in many places around the world, she is of legal age to drink. I think Courtney did outgrow Doug, just in the sense that she got too old and now had real grown up breasts, which I assume Doug didn’t like.
I am sad about all this, though. I loved watching Courtney and Doug interviews because they just made me feel good about the world and about life. I’d watch Courtney, clearly wasted on Ketamine, or some other type of animal tranquilizer, making not one ounce of goddamn sense, and Doug, who looked exactly like the type of guy you’d imagine would marry a teenage girl and keep her wasted on the bad shit, and think “I may have already been blackout drunk six times this year and it’s only January 18th, but I’ll never be in that bad of shape.”
So though I will mourn Courtney and Doug, and their fantastic interviews and photo ops, I can’t help but remain an optimist and look at the silver lining of this break-up: we saw the way Courtney Stodden dressed and acted when she was a married woman with a push-up bra, so what kind of shenanigans will she get up to now that she’s single and has $50 Mexican implants? With this goddess of glamour, the sky is the limit!
Get ready boys. This sexy teen is single and ready to mingle!